Feeling kind of lazy...

The weather outside is frightful, and in my apartment is so delightful (except that it really needs to be cleaned thoroughly and I'm too lazy to do it today), so it's been hard to get up and do anything today. I've spent most of the day reading and taking naps, not moving a whole lot from my bed. This is the first weekend in a month that I have been able to truly relax. I don't really know what to do with this new found freedom.

Still there are things I would like to do today. For example, I would like to get over to the seminary and use God's gym, since I didn't go yesterday. I also need to go out and buy my mom a card for her birthday and something else to go with it. What that something else is going to be, I have no idea. She's almost as hard to shop for as Ted. I thought women were supposed to be easier to shop for, but what do I know.

So now I am trying to get ready to actually do something today and it's not going very well. I told a friend yesterday that I would stop by and hang out sometime today after I get done at the gym, but I don't really feel like going anywhere. But if I don't go anywhere this afternoon, then by tonight, I'll be so bored with myself and want to go out and do something and no one else will want to. But at the same time, it's nice to be able to sit around and relax and not have to worry about getting something important done right away. So what is one to do in this situation? Do I go out and face the busy world, or do I stay in and do things on my own time and just finally relax? I think today I am leaning towards staying in and not being opposed to going out if someone calls and wants to do something. Decisions, decisions. They are hard to make when a person is feeling kind of lazy.

Finally Broke Free

I have finally broken free of my month of confinement in prison, aka The Library. Yesterday with my friend Karen, I handed in my hard copies of my thesis. I am officially done with this leg of the race. Now on to the next part which is my conversation and submission of the final product to the library. But I'm not as worried about this part because I am more than ready to defend my thesis.

In other news, I am feeling much less stressed now. My next project is to finish memorizing the Small Catechism and the Articles of Confession and get that reciting done asap so I don't have to think about it anymore. I am also throwing myself back into the job hunt now that I have more time to really put into it. I am determined to have a job lined up for after graduation.

Last night I went to a movie just for shits and grins. I went to see Reign Over Me. Fabulous movie. If you haven't seen it, what are you waiting for? It's really good. So is 300. I like going to the movies in the middle of the week. It helps to calm me down and allows me to escape from the monotony of everyday life for a few hours. Because life does become monotonous when you've spent the last month pent up in prison (the Library), feeling alienated from everyone, all your friends and family. I don't think I've felt that lonely in a long time. I think that is why I become so obsessed with a project while I'm doing it. I know I have to get it done and done well and I can't have any distractions. Now that I have finally broken free, I realize how lonely I was and how much I missed out on with my friends and family. I suppose sacrifices must be made at time, but when does it go to far? I'm still working on that part. Someday I hope I can relax more.

back to prison and other random thoughts

I decided to get out of town for a bit this last weekend and went to the parental units house and hung out. Sadly I had to come back last night because I have a billion things to do this week and will be spending a ton of time in prison, aka the library, aka Luther Seminary in general. But I am feeling more confident due to my brief escape that I will be able to make it through this week without killing or doing physical harm to anyone, which is a very good thing. I may get close to doing it, but I feel I will be able to restrain myself better now.
But this weekend was nice. I went down to Northfield on Saturday and had lunch with my one of my best buds Michelle and then just hung out watching crappy cable tv. Sunday I hung out some more and watched basketball and golf with the parental units and just relaxed. I didn't do any school work at all except for some revisions to my thesis. It was really nice. Unfortunately, now I have to scrabble today and part of the day tomorrow to get my Early Church History midterm done. I only have one essay done out of 6, doing the math I have 5 left. It won't be too hard, I just don't have the motivation to do it. So I am forcing myself to go back to prison today to get it done. I hope to spend some time outside today as well because it is freaking nice out. WOOHOO!!! spring is finally here.

don't know what to write here...

Ok so I'm done with my rough draft of my thesis. I still need a conclusion, but I'll deal with that when I am done with my revising. I met with Haemig today about my thesis. Over two weeks ago, no actually longer, I sent her the first ten pages of my rough draft, and I didn't get any comments on it till today. She of course tore it apart, which is good because I want to do a good job, but seriously, I only have a week to get the final product to her, Farag and Diane Jacobson. Really, she couldn't have gotten her ideas to me earlier?! I'm just a little annoyed. Besides having to work on revising my thesis, I have to finish my Early Church History mid-term for Tuesday night's class. Sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole and wish this all to go away. Sadly that is not the case, and so for the next few days I will be busy working on all of this stuff. I just want to be done. I can't take the sight of this place anymore. I feel suffocated. I need to get away.

This is what large amounts of stress do to me. I become super negative about everything and asocial. I don't want to be this way. I hate being this way. Too much change at one time stresses me out and too much is changing right now. I know I'll get through it and be a stronger person when it's all done and over, but seriously, I can't help but ask, am I there yet?

SUCCESS!!!!!!!

That's right folks. Today as of 3:13pm, I successful completed my rough draft of my thesis. To begin to tell you how relieved I feel that I only have revisions to do is beyond my muddled vocabulary right now since my brain is pretty much mush. And since my brain is no longer able to function properly today, I am going to stop writing and go treat myself to some Subway. Just wanted to share the awesome news with you all. SUCCESS!!!! And that my friends is how I am sticking it to the man, by succeeding when he tried to keep me down.

bagels with Carb Freedom peanut butter...

Today I woke up late and haven't even taken a shower yet. I'm feeling worn out and I lack the energy to do anything. So I got up finally and made myself a toasted bagel and spread some Carb Freedom Skippy peanut butter on it, and poured myself a glass of milk. Then I sat down at my computer and checked my email and am now writing this blog.
I really don't like this feeling of barely being able to move because of sheer exhaustion. I shouldn't be tired either. I got plenty of sleep last night and even slept in. What is my problem? But now I am up, which is good and am trying to get my ass in gear so this will be a productive day. Well what's left of it anyway. And I think making my bagel with Carb Freedom peanut butter with a glass of milk on the side has helped tremendously.

Music: the light of my life...

I'm sitting in my office and a song came on the radio and I feel a sense of calm that I haven't felt in days. I love those songs that just get under your skin and make you feel at ease no matter what is going on in life at the moment. That is why whenever I go to the library to work on writing I always bring good music that soothes me to listen to. There is nothing better than a great song that grips your soul and allows you to use your imagination to think beyond this world.

And of course, right after this great song, they play a crappy one.

Figures...

25 pages done, 25 more to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have 25 pages done of my thesis and have 25 more to go!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am half-way done and have five chapters almost complete. After my stint in the Reformation Resource Center tomorrow I will be done with chapter 5 and working on chapter 6. I am so totally excited. I'm hoping to get a chapter done a day. I should be done with my very very very rough draft no later than Monday. WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then I only have to edit it a thousand times and turn it in and I'm done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you tell I'm excited?!... Anyway, after my somewhat depressing previous blog, I felt the need to shed some light on the situation and share something good that is going on in my life as of this moment. Peace Out.

Am I too skeptical??!!

I was reading a friends blog today. This person's blog was about how blessed they were and how thankful they were for everything they had. I found myself thinking, "Good for them", not in a mean way, but in genuine happiness for this person.

Then I thought about what I am appreciative for. There was definitely not the same enthusiasm as my friend.

And then I began to wonder why this was? I have always been skeptical in regards to the word happiness. Happiness, feeling blessed can seem fleeting in the everyday bustle of life. These are good emotions to have, to feel, but to put one's whole self into them can lead to possible disappointment. I have felt blessed many times in life and I have been shit on by some of the people closest to me. I have been greatly scarred but also lifted up and helped to stand on my own to feet. Having seen and experienced the things I have in life, I can't help but be skeptical about the word happiness. I also can't help but wish I was more optimistic as my friend is.

Someday, maybe I'll be able to find a more equal balance between optimism and pessimism in my life. Maybe I will someday be able to put aside my skepticism and be more appreciative of what I have. I am truly working on it. I have been working on this part of myself for a long time. But then something happens and I am glad that I am a skeptical bitch sometimes.

So what's the point of all this? The point is, is that I am a skeptical person, I am also optimistic at times. I am both; this is who I am. I am not ashamed of who I am, how far I've come in bettering myself over the years. Therefore when I confront optimism coming from my friends or family, I will give thanks that there is happiness for that person. But as for myself and my own life, I always finding myself wondering if it is for real

Papers papers papers

Today I decided to take my time going to school since I don't have classes on Mondays yet. Taking my time actually means working on a paper that is due tomorrow which is supposed to be 9-10 pages long. I was going to go to the library earlier today and work on it there but I feel that the library has turned into my place to work on my thesis and therefore it is hard for me to do other work there. I know this sounds strange.
Fucking neighbors. They always slam their damn door shut and it is really starting to piss me off to the point I want to go and yell at them to learn how to close a door properly. But probably never will.
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, that's right, I am working on my final paper for Eusibius class that is due tomorrow. So far so good. I have 7 pages done, only two more to go. I figure if I get about a paragraph on page nine I'll be good to go. When I am done with this paper, I am finally going to get ready for the day and head to school. Sometimes it is just nice to slowly work on something and relax instead of feeling rushed and stressed out. At least I am able to work this way on this paper. Other papers, well that's another matter all together.
Soon I'll be done with the big one and I'll be much more pleasant to be around. I am so looking forward to that day, I can not even express it is words, which is shocking. But for now, it's all about papers papers papers.

Is sleep overrated???

I'm sitting in the library again and I can't seem to concentrate. I'm trying to work on my thesis but I'm just too damn tired. I spent all night last night staring at my ceiling, which was fun for a while but then I just got annoyed by a smudge that I had never noticed before. I could have cleaned it but I was too tired to move. Yet I couldn't fall asleep. So now I am sitting in the library trying to be productive but my mind is just not working at full speed today. Hopefully after I eat lunch I'll wake up a bit and get a few more pages done. Well, other than my extremely exciting existence in the library not a whole hell of a lot is going on so I'll stop rambling now.

10 pages done, 40 or so left to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I went to the library and got a productive bug up my ass and wrote 10 pretty quality pages of my thesis. I'm sure there are grammatical errors but I don't give a shit. I've got 10 pages freaking done dudes!!!! Now I have only 40 or so left to go and I'm done!!!!!!! Just have to revise and edit (don't these mean the same thing? hmmm?) and I can turn the fucker in. WOOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You think I'm excited now. Wait till tomorrow when I have twenty or twenty-five pages done. Then there will be some excitement. Better get back to being productive. Later y'all.

First page done, 49 more to go...

DUDES!!!!!!!, I just finished my first page of my thesis. Only 49 or so more to go. WOOHOO!!!!!!!

Awesome Discovery...

I discovered something awesome today. My friend Krista Anderson showed me the light, the right way, the divine path. She showed me how to use and where to find MA thesis templates on the library website. It is amazing. All I have to do is type and everything is formatted for me. I have never had this experience before. And I got to share it with a friend which is even better. Now I really will be able to write a good thesis in the next few weeks now that I don't have to worry about formatting and all that jazz.
I just had to share this amazing news with everyone. I am just so excited about this. Things are going to be so much easier now. I might actually have extra time now to catch up in my reading for classes. Fat chance!!!
The snow was fun last week and Saturday I ended up hanging out with two of my best friends that I hadn't seen in a while. We went to dinner and then went out dancing. It was nice.
And I was able to go down to Northfield yesterday and spend the day hanging out with my parental units. I love going down there on Sundays. It is just so relaxing, even though I had to read for my Early Church Literature class.
So to end this blog, I want to remind all of you about my awesome discovery today which I mentioned at the beginning of this blog. And to share my relief with all of you fine people. Au revoir mes amis for now.

How much is too much...

Sometimes I find myself biting off way more than I can chew. I get myself involved in too many things, have too high of expectations for myself and others, etc...
For example, tonight I was invited to a friend's apartment for her annual "hot" party. What is this "hot" party you may be asking yourself? My friend Tessa turns up the heat in her apartment and everyone comes dressed in summer clothes and hang out, eat, drink, and be merry.
Then a few days ago, one of my best buds called and wanted to go to dinner tonight. This dinner would be with some of my closest friends who I haven't seen in over a month, so I couldn't say no. But to be perfectly honest, all I really want to do today is go to the library until it closes and read through my thesis sources till my eyes feel like they are going to pop out of my head and then come home, get into pjs and watch movies.
But I am not going to do that because I have plans; plans which will be fun and plans which will allow me to see people I haven't seen in a long time. So really, sometimes I find myself biting off more than I can chew, but in this case, it will work out for the better.

Taking the Bus

Alright, so it's fun to play in all the snow but driving around in it is ridiculous. Yes, it is completely ridiculous. So yesterday I drove over to Luther Sem., parked my car in the lot outside OCC and left it there. Hopefully it will still be there when I go to get it today.
I did that and took the bus home. I'm taking the bus back to Luther later today to get my car Ed-Bob. Why am I telling you this story? It's to prove how ridiculous driving in 20 in. of snow is. My life was full of adventure yesterday. I took the bus home, trudged through the snow from the bus stop home. Then I remembered that I had to get my drugs from the pharmacy so I walked across the busiest intersection near my apartment, University and Snelling, to get to Walgreens. That was a trip in itself.
I did have fun playing and trudging through the snow to get to the bus, from the bus stop to my apartment, and to the pharmacy and back, but I miss Ed-Bob, my tiny Saturn. We have a special relationship. We've been through a lot together and I hope to get him back soon, with minimal shoveling involved. Well one can hope anyway.
School was closed down because of the weather. This is good and bad. It is good because I'm extremely behind in the reading for the class I would have had today and now I have time to maybe catch up a bit. It is bad because I need to be in the library working on my thesis. Right now I only have a few sources with me that I checked out last week, the rest are in the library. AHHH!!!! I can't wait till this thesis stuff is over.
So again, there is a good side and a bad side to all this snow. The good, it is fun to play in and is pretty; the bad, it is ridiculous to drive in.