Thursday, August 30, 2007

What the Dude People, What the Dude??!!!

Being that I didn't want to start my new post with swear words I substituted the f-bomb with the word Dude. Here's a funny story: Today I was sitting at my usual desk in the law library I've been temping at updating periodicals when all the sudden I stopped and said to myself out loud (quietly) what the hell am I doing? What the hell am I doing with my life? Why am I going back to school for Pastoral Care when all I really what to do is research and write historical biographies and far-out novels? Why can't I sit down and write out vignettes about my own life experiences for a book that my mom and I are working on together? Why? What the hell is going on?

This bout of questioning came out of the blue because before these thoughts popped into my head, my mind was blank, doing my job and enjoying the monotonous work of updating periodicals. But it did get me thinking about what's to come.

And therefore I wrote an email to the head of the Pastoral Care program at Luther Seminary, Professor Rollie Martinson, asking him what classes I will need to take since I already have a degree from Luther and what I will need to get into PhD programs in the future. I am excited about this decision to pursue this endeavor and know it is my purpose.

Though I am moving away from history for a while, academically speaking, I still intend to pursue historical research on my own as well as figure out a way to contribute to the work my mom and I are doing together. Maybe I'm just not ready to write about my experiences, maybe I need to just talk about them while someone else types them out or writes them down. I often find I don't know where to begin and everything I write is so childish and dull compared to the actual memories. Anyway, that's my burden to bare I suppose. I'm sure I'll figure something out.

I have some ideas already of historical research I would like to start on. I would like to research about the church as well as politics in England and Ireland during the reign of Mary I and Elizabeth I. I would also like to learn more about the church in Colonial America. I have always been fascinated by Machiavelli so I'll probably do some more research on his works and their affect on Florentine politics and religion. And there are so many other things I would like to study, research and write about so I won't take the time to mention them now. What I have here is just a short list to start with and I'll work my way out from this.

I guess I was just taken aback by the random rush of doubt that hit me today like a baseball bat to the head. I know this kind of thing happens to most people. I just thought I'd let others know that they are not alone, especially when they find themselves thinking, actually more like scream, "What the Dude People, What the Dude??!!!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Working girl now

I'm a working girl now. I hate it. More to the point, I don't hate it, I just wish I were doing something else. I actually really like one of the jobs I have right now. It's at a law office in downtown Minneapolis, in the Wells Fargo Center. It's on one of the top floors and there is a great view of the city from the lobby windows. I like to stand in the lobby looking out over the rush going on far below me and wonder about life. Sadly I believe the job ends next week but I don't want to leave. It is tedious and sometimes very boring, but I like being able to walk around downtown after work and muse over the bustling of the city. And I have found some fabulous looking restaurants and bars that I would really like to go to sometime when I find people who would be willing to join me. Sometimes I wish I were able to go to a sit down restaurant by myself without feeling awkward but I'm not to that point yet. I can go to the movies by myself, I do it all the time, but restaurants I just haven't gotten used to yet. There is something about being able to have a conversation over dinner that is just much more appealing than sitting at a table all by oneself with only one's own thoughts to occupy the time.

So needless to say, I love my downtown law office job, my boss is totally quirky and I love it. He talks like the Rain Man, with the slight hint of a New Jersey accent. And I get to learn a little about what the lawyers do which is fun. I don't do too much with them though, I mostly just make copies and update periodicals for the library.

Now my other job, well I won't even start on that. It's fine, I just can't stay there for more than 5 hours without wanting to do serious harm to people. But starting this coming week I have some 8 hour shifts which is totally going to suck ass. It sure as hell is going to be interesting to see how well I make it through those days. On the plus side I get time and a half on Labor Day for working 4 hours. That will be nice.

So, yup, my life consists of working for the most part, with the occasional event to separate out the days. For example, last night my bff Michelle called me and said she wanted to make dinner for me and my other bff Karen if we were willing to drive down to Northfield for it. She had apparently heard from Karen that I had a somewhat crappy weekend and Karen had a crappy weekend and she wanted to make us dinner to help us feel better. Of course Karen and I showed up; I mean seriously, who's going to turn down a free meal. Other than that, I have watched a lot of movies lately and hope to add to my collection as soon as I have straighted out my budget, etc...

Oh and I had no power Monday morning because of the storm and therefore had to wait till I got home from work to take a shower. That was totally not cool. But I have power now so all is good and right with the world again.

What other randomness can I write about? Well, I can't think of anything so I'm off to go watch another movie, just for something new and different to do.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Fortress of Solitude

I have no words of inspiration today, I just feel like writing. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm going to go to chapel for real this time and listen to a great Jim Boyce sermon, get some Jesus, listen in on Paulson's Confessions class, eat some lunch with friends and then hit the road. I'm heading down to my parent's house because I have an early doctors appointment on Thursday morning.
There is a reason I go down to my parent's on Sundays or Mondays depending on when I have to work now. It is my fortress of solitude. It gives me a chance to process the events of the past week, take it easy, relax, and allow myself to gear up for the coming week. I haven't gotten to do that yet this week and I'm beginning to feel bogged down by it. It doesn't even matter if my mom and dad are home. In fact, I like to come home to an empty house and watch old episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 after I've watched General Hospital, my soap. I sit around and watch crappy cable TV until mom comes home and then we watch an episode of Law and Order together. My own personal fortress of solitude.
It is not the same sitting in my apartment alone. Here I don't have crappy cable TV to watch and there are too many distractions. Both good distractions like friends calling me up to hang out, and bad distractions, like the demons coming out to play, but distractions nonetheless. I need to feel the peace and quiet that I feel when I'm down at my parent's. I don't know why, it's just something I need.
Sadly though, going down to the parental units tomorrow takes away from valuable time I could be spending with friends who are leaving soon to continue on their life's journey. This saddens me. But I wouldn't be too much fun to be around anyway without some time spent at my fortress of solitude to recoop and gather myself again. Sometimes when I don't get to the fortress of solitude for a while, I find myself losing my grasp on what is important and what is not so important in life.
My fortress of solitude allows me to refocus my priorities, to read and listen to the word, to feel the Holy Spirit working in my life in ways I never expected, to remember that it is not up to me, to remember to hand myself over to Christ and let go of all the piddly things that have been bothering me, or things I can't control. I need time in the fortress of solitude and tomorrow I will be able to go there and begin to feel at peace again.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

A Week and Two Years...

It's been exactly one week since the 35W bridge collapsed into the Mississippi taking with it cars and lives. A freak accident that directly and indirectly affects all of us in some way.

Today as I was heading over to Luther for chapel to listen to an awesome Jim Boyce sermon and get some Jesus, I was distracted and decided to take the long way over. The now very long way over. I decided to drive through my old stomping grounds, The University of Minnesota, where I lived for two years just a block away from where the bridge collapsed last Wednesday. I was not able to drive the roads I used to because they were blocked off, so I ended up driving around aimlessly with extreme feelings of nostalgia washing over me and memories of my youthful two years at the U cascading through my mind. I could not block out any of it. It all came rushing back, especially the great times that were once in a life time experiences that I feel blessed to have experienced with wonderful friends, who are all well and good.

It is a strange feeling when your past comes crashing down, literally. I felt the same way on 9/11. The disbelief, the memories flooding my mind with me powerless to stop them. Remembering going to Lincoln Center with my mom to see the Nutcracker Ballet and looking up at the Twin Towers and their awesomeness. And that one day, I felt like my whole past, my whole childhood, the symbol of it anyway was taken away from me. It all came crashing down and I was left with a feeling of emptiness which is impossible to describe. I feel the same now with this most recent tragedy. And both times I cried and cried for those who lost their lives, for those left behind to face another day always questioning why and how come it happened in the back of their minds.

I know this probably all sounds a bit dramatic. I am saddened by recent events, the loss of innocence in a way. For some this is the first time such a tragedy has happened and thank God for that. For the rest of us, well, all we can do is pull ourselves together, say a prayer, and try as hard as we can to move on, and know that day by day things will become easier to handle, the memories will subside and life will go back to the usual monotony that we all knowingly or unknowingly crave.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Doing the Right Thing....

Why is it so hard to do the right thing sometimes? What exactly is the right thing or the right way? It can be interpreted in so many different ways by each individual person to the point that the whole concept becomes blurred. Lately I feel blessed to have found my vocational calling. Explaining it to people does not come easily but I know what I am doing.

I have also felt pressured by unforeseen circumstances beyond my control. So I have a choice to make and not an easy choice at that. How does one decide what is the right course of action to take? Does one follow gut reaction or take time to reason through all the possible outcomes? And what if there isn't a lot of time to decide? Am I to make a rash decision and regret it later? I speak in riddles because sometimes it is easier than having to face the obstacle head on. But eventually I will have to confront the obstacle face to face and hopefully by then I will know to the best of my ability what is the right thing to do.

Enough of this depressing crap! I am currently sitting in the Luther Seminary library because my apartment smells like rotten eggs. There is some sort of construction or something going on across the street at the old folks home and the wind is wafting the nasty smell towards my apartment. Since I had already decided yesterday that I would be going to chapel today, I also decided to bring my reading material, my current issue of Entertainment Weekly along to read in the library for a while. It is nice to still be a part of this community, have friends here to hang out with and talk to and be able to just amble around doing my thing doing my thing.

Last night I watched one of my favorite contemporary movie which came out on DVD yesterday, 300. Everything about that movie is awesome. The CG action sequences, camera angles, and especially the soundtrack. Talk about kick ass!! It also holds a special place in my heart because it was one of the few movies I was able to see with my movie going buddy, my brother, while he was home in April. One thing we always do together when he comes home from film school to visit is pick out a movie we both really want to see and go see it one of the first nights he is home. And 300 was the movie we were both psyched to see on that particular visit. It may sound like a strange tradition, but I don't really care what anyone else thinks about it so there.

Wow, I just realized that I just went on rampage of random thoughts. Sorry about that. I'll end now to continue another day.