What Does it Mean to Have it All?

Many times in my life, I have heard the phrase, "You can have it all!"  I have even used the phrase myself.  But what does it mean to "have it all?"  Some people use the phrase in regard to material possessions.  Some use it in conjunction with vocation, their jobs, careers.  It can be used for a variety of things, but I most often hear it now as such:  You can have the perfect job for you and have the perfect home life, the perfect apartment or house, the newest car...blah blah blah.... This is what I used to think "having it all" meant; all of the things I've mentioned above.

My definition of "having it all" has dramatically changed over the past few years.  And the reality is, quite honestly, there is no such thing as "having it all."  A person can drive themselves crazy trying to achieve, "having it all."  My new reality is that, I do "have it all."  I have an amazing husband and wonderful kid.  I have the most amazing family and friends.  I have a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear.  I have time to write on this blog, which I plan to do more of.  I have time to read, when Preston is asleep.  I have time to re-learn how to cross-stitch and crochet.  I can take my son to the park on nice days and go for walks with my family in the evenings. 

No, I don't have a j.o.b. outside the home.  No, we don't have a lot of money right now.  Yes, we have tons of student loans to pay off and we eventually need a bigger vehicle.  But to be honest most of this stuff doesn't really matter right now. 

I love being able to stay home with Preston.  I'm not a housewife though.  If someone needs to label me, I prefer being called a stay-at-home mom.  Jason does most of the meal preparation and he helps me clean when the house needs a deep cleaning before we have company stay with us.  I do, do quite a bit of the straightening up and general cleaning, I do the laundry too.  We don't have the newest technology gadgets or the newest cars.  We have each other and a supportive community surrounding us, in our family, friends and some of the people in and around Fairfield.

I often have people suggest things I can do to help me feel more fulfilled in life, career-wise.  I know they are doing it because they care about me and until recently, I have had a very different understanding of "having it all."  I love that they care so much.  And now, I can honestly tell them, that I am okay and that right now at this point in my life, I have everything I need and want.

Will I someday write a best-selling novel series and memoir and make millions?  Maybe.  Will I continue writing and researching and learning even if no money is made from it?  Of course.  Will I someday find a job outside the home that is worth not staying home with my kid/future kids?  Maybe.  But that is all at a future date.  I can work towards these things, but there is no guarantee some of them will happen.  I am a very future oriented person, but I also live in the present.  It has taken me awhile to adapt to the present, but once I did, I obtained a new perspective on life and what it means for me to "have it all."

I feel blessed that I have had this time so far in Fairfield, because it has forced me to slow down and really determine what is important in my life.  The people in my life are important, having a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear are important.  And all of these things are a gift from God and I thank God every day for them. 

So what does it mean to "have it all?"  It is different for every person, but for me I am happy with what God has given me so far and right now. 

Taking a Big Breath...

My mom recently said something to me that keeps coming to mind whenever I just want to throw my hands up and give up.  She said, "Be patient and gentle with yourself."  It sounds like an easy thing to do, right?  Wrong.

I have a 9 1/2 month old little dude who is basically me in male form.  We have almost the same buttons that when pushed set off a huge chain reaction of chaos, until we both calm down.  If I mention it as a joke to the few people I see on a weekly basis, mostly at church on Sundays, I get looks.  I get looks of, "Why are you laughing about something like that?" or "That's not funny." 

Personally, if I didn't laugh and make a joke about the absolute ridiculousness of it all, I'd be the most depressed person in the world.  I get a little tired of other people passing judgment.  You wouldn't believe the looks I got when people found out we'd be bottle feeding Preston.  Yup, he's been weaned on formula folks.  He's super healthy, very smart, and right where he should be at his age.  That's exactly what the doctor told us yesterday at his well-baby appointment.  The fact is that I ended up getting horrible mastitis (sp?) after Preston was born so even if I wanted to breast-feed, it wasn't really an option.  Frankly, I'd rather keep my sanity than do what society demands of me, especially, since it would mean going crazy trying to do make something happen which physically wasn't going to.

There is a lot of pressure that comes along with being a parent.  Everyone has an opinion about how you should raise your kid(s).  Everyone wants to know when the next one will be coming along.  I do a lot of smiling and nodding.  Sometimes, the advise given is good, sometimes, I just think, "yup, not going to happen," but smile and nod politely anyway. 

Here's my meter of being a good parent:  1) As long as our kid is well fed, dressed and has a roof over his head, we are good parents; 2) As long as our kid knows he's loved and can come to one or both of us with anything, we are good parents.  That's pretty much it.  The rest is up in the air.  If he turns out to be a genius, awesome.  If he's just an average kid, who treats everyone with respect and kindness, awesome.  As long as he doesn't turn into some crazy dude, I think we can chalk the rest up as successful parenting. 

Wow, in my ranting, I got completely off track.  See, this is why I need to learn to just take a breath and be good to myself.  I'm going to go do that right now, by doing my speed walking exercise on the tread-mill.  It helps me blow off steam and makes me concentrate on something else, like keeping up with the tread-mill so I don't fall off the back of it.  Oh, man that would really suck. 

So to all those parents out there, current, soon-to-be, and future:  don't worry about what everyone else tells you about parenting because you'll have to figure it out as you go anyway.  And don't forget to apologize profusely to your parents for being a turd in the past, because what they say is true, it will come back to bite you in the ass someday.  I speak from 9 1/2 months of experience.  :)

Baby Steps, Part II

In my last post, I vented about not having a job and being financially dependent on Jason.  Since then, I have done some research on student loan reconsolidation, continued my search for part-time jobs in the area, and have been constantly second guessing myself about quitting Mary Kay. 

I have realized that there is not much in my life that I have control over right now, and that is really the root of my anxiety.  The only thing I have any control over is my health, so I have become a little overly zealous about exercising everyday and being very conscious about what I eat.  My health and being a mom have become my full-time cares these days.

I continue to do my daily walking, crunches and stretching.  My weight lifting currently consists of carrying around my very solid 17+ lb son on and off all day.  Seriously, it is a wonder I have any fat on my arms at all with all of the lifting I do every day.  It is a bit frustrating that my goal of being in the mid-130s by this summer is alluding me.  I seem to be stuck at the high 140s.  This is much better than what I had been before I got pregnant with Preston, but to avoid getting diabetes in my 40s I need to get myself down at least 10 more pounds.  I know it is not a race, but to make some progress, would help my state of mind a bit, since I have no idea what is going on with the rest of my life right now.

There are a few wonderful constants in my life though.  My husband and my son being amazing are two of these constants.  My wonderful family and friends, who are my cheerleaders are a most wonderful constant.  Also, knowing that this too shall pass and I won't always feel stuck in the muck of uncertainty.  But most of all, my faith.  My faith keeps me grounded when nothing else seems to do the trick.  It is just remembering these things and not getting caught up in the anxiety of uncertainty that I need to continue to work on.  Baby steps my friends.  Baby steps.

Baby Steps....

Before we moved to Montana in June of 2011, I worked part-time at a law office in downtown Minneapolis and made enough money to pay rent and various other bills with some fun money left over (not very much, maybe enough to go see a movie or two during cheap hours every week.)  When we moved here, I was in the first trimester of my first pregnancy and had planned to find a part-time job until the baby was born and then stay home with the little one for a while before going back to work.  None of that happened.

I couldn't find a job, I had a miscarriage and lost our child and became completely depressed and unmotivated.  After about a month and a half of this, I started to work out on the inexpensive treadmill we purchased from some friends for $50, 5-6 days a week.  I got it in my head that I would start applying for jobs again and began to do so with no luck, but I kept trying.  Then I found out on Thanksgiving day November 2011 that I was pregnant again.  So that made me rethink what to do about getting a job.  I was selling Mary Kay extremely part-time at the time. 

I decided to majorly scale down my job hunt and try to build up my Mary Kay business so I could work from home when our little one was born in August and for the first year of his/her life.  I made the decision to stay at home with our little one the whole first year.  Of course, now we have our little Preston with us and he is such a joy, pain in the butt, our little miracle.  But I continue to struggle with not having a job and what to do about it. 

I am having a hard time being financially dependent on Jason, but any job I get would end up paying for daycare, so in the end it makes more financial sense for me to stay home with Preston for now.  I have been finding myself wondering if it would be a good idea to get back into selling Mary Kay.  It caused quite a bit of stress for me, but every once in a while, I was able to contribute some money to our household. 

Ugh...I am really trying hard to stay positive and let it go and be okay with where I am right now.  I am willing to hear any advice and would appreciate your prayers as I work through this issue.  After being able to fend for myself pretty well and then for Jason and me our first few months of marriage, it is hard for me to sit on the sidelines now.  It has been hard for me since we moved and I couldn't find a job.  I continue to pray for patience and for alleviation from my crazy anxiety regarding financial matters in our home.  We have what we need right now and I truly believe that God provides for each of us in different ways.  I just need to gain enough peace of mind to see that.

Dieting and stuff...

The most popular New Year's resolution for people is to lose weight.  There are all kinds of diets out there today.  I can't watch a tv program without seeing a commercial (thank you DVR for allowing me to fast foward through commercials) for some diet program. 

After my bout with gestational diabetes and the following diagnosis of being prediabetic after my son was born, I have taken steps to lose weight.  I make it a must to do my walking at least 3 times a week, which is a feat in itself with an infant.  I am beginning to write down what I eat again, like I did when I was pregnant and mentally count my carbs.  I don't believe that cutting out all carbs from my diet is a healthy thing to do, but eating the right carbs and making sure they are not the sum whole of what I eat everyday is important. 

When my son was born I was in the low 180s for weight, now I am in the high 140s, but the average weight of someone my height is in the 130s and that is on the high end.  I have some major work to do to get down to my healthy weight.  Personally, I'm feeling pretty good about where I am, but if I want to have another kid at some point in the future and hold off getting Type 2 Diabetes until I'm old and gray, I need to lose the weight and keep it off. 

So I have been tempted to try some of the diets I see on tv commercials, some I've read about in magazine articles and some we have cook books for already.  But the truth is, with writing down what I eat and being accountable and getting as much exercise as I can get in while taking care of an infant 24/7, I am doing something that will change the way I live and create healthy habits for the future. 

But every once in a while a woman's just got to have some chocolate and maybe a piece of pepperoni pizza. :)

Decluttering my life of stressful and negative stuff...

I'm not the kind of person who makes New Year's resolutions and I'm not breaking with that this year.  Looking over 2012, I realize that I had a lot of unnecessary and stressful things in my life that I just need to let go of this year. 

First, I need to accept the fact that I live in very boring small town where nothing ever happens.  I don't have to like it, but I need to stop being so mad about it.  There is nothing I can do about it right now, so letting go of my anger and resentment about the situation is a goal of mine this year.

Second, stop trying to run a business that is not successful.  I have decided to give up selling Mary Kay.  It is just not worth it right now and adds a lot of unneeded stress in my life.

Third, get excited about all the wonderful things that are going on in my life and stop focusing on the negative (like living in a boring small town where nothing ever happens) and get my head on straight.  I have an adorable son, the most amazing husband, the best family and friends in the world.  I have a nice roof over my head, food to eat and clothes and shoes to wear.  I have so much to be thankful for and I need to remind myself of this everyday.  P.S. Skype is the greatest invention ever!!!!

And lastly, allow myself to do things for me.  I am a wife and mother now, but I need to allow myself to do things that are beneficial not only for myself but my family as well and not feel guilty about it.  This is easier said than done. 

Starting today, I am going to make a great effort to be more positive and get rid of the stressful and negative stuff in my life. 

To my dear friend, Katherine Olson, 5 years later...

Dear Friend,

It's been 5 years since you were horrifyingly taken from this world and all the people who love you.  I think about you often and wonder what you would have said to me about some of the things I've done in the past 5 years.

I "re-enlisted" at Luther Seminary and now have 2 Masters degrees from there.  During that time, I met and fell in love with my husband Jason (remember when I said I didn't think I'd ever get married, well, I have and he's a pastor no less. ;))  He is the sweetest, most wonderful man.  And remember how I said I would never move to some small town in the middle of nowhere but would always try to live in or near a city, well I've moved to a small town in Montana far away from a metropolitan area.  Some days I handle it better than others.  And remember how I said I didn't want kids, but maybe when I was in my late 30s early 40s I might consider adopting, well, I now have the most precious son in the world, Preston.  He is one of the lights of my life. :)

It was not easy to pick up my life and move to Fairfield, nor was it easy once we got here.  About a month after we arrived we lost our first child, which was the most devastating experience of my life.  I can honestly say that I don't remember much of what happened from mid-July to the moment I found out I was pregnant again on Thanksgiving Day 2011.  I remember going to our good friends' Tauna and Erik's wedding, and celebrating at a baby shower for  really good friend Michelle, but other than that, most of that time is a blur.  It was an eerily similar feeling to how I felt after I found out you had been killed and the months afterwards.  I'm not sure what heaven is like but one of the only consolations I have, is an instinctive feeling that our unborn child is being well looked after until we see each other again.  I had and still have that same feeling about you and all of the other people I loved and cared about who have left this world. 

I used to be scared to branch out and take chances on people, on life.  I blame it on my introverted personality as well as my past, plus some major anxiety about failure, but since I met you, I have found myself taking leaps and bounds into uncharted territory, with mostly wonderful results.  I just wish you were here to share in them with me.  I miss you and good-bye for now, until we meet again.