I am sitting in the library at Luther Seminary listening to Blue Foundation "Eyes on Fire." The first time I heard this song, unbeknown to me was when Carrie convinced me to go see the movie "Twilight". The second time I heard it was on "So You Think You Can Dance" when Kayla and Kapuno danced a beautifully eerie dance to it that still makes me stop in awe whenever I see it. I don't know what it is about this song but every time I hear it I am overcome with emotion.
Lately I've been having a hard time getting motivated to do anything regarding my academic life. I have a great paper topic for my only class this semester, which will put application to Paul Tillich's theology regarding sin, evil, suffering, and the Cross; basically all of Systematic Theology, vol. 2. When I should be reviewing sources I already have read or researching other materials, I find I'd rather just sit and read a fiction book or my TIME magazine. This has been a very disappointing semester for me. Even more so than last spring. I feel like I am not working towards anything. Every fiber in my being is aching, reaching out for some actual historical study. And I'm not talking about History of Christian thought. I'm talking about hard core, no holds barred history.
So instead of working on things for class at the library today I have taken this opportunity to hang out in the section where the library houses the literature on the Crusades. And I have been reading that all afternoon and I am slowly coming out of the dark pit that I have been in all semester. The pit is deep and I don't know how long it will take to crawl out of it. I have been going through the motions since September with little motivation to go to the library when I have time, preferring to go home straight after work and watch my TV programs or read whatever fiction literature I happen to be reading at the time. I actually sit at my computer in the office at the house with a book I checked out from the library that is entirely in German so I can work on translating so I can finally pass the stupid language exam and a half an hour goes by with me just sitting there trying to get myself to actually start translating. This is ridiculous.
I have known since the beginning of this school year that something is amiss. It doesn't bother me that I'll have to stick around an extra year to complete the MTh here at Luther, but I have continuously asked myself since September if I want to. Is this something I should really be doing with my life? I hate the idea of having accrued more student loan debt and not getting anything out of it. But is it really worth staying when my heart is not in it anymore? And where would I go if I don't continue? What can a historian with only a Masters of Art degree do, who has much academic experience but not much work experience?
Ugh...I love history. Being a historian is my vocation, but sometimes I wish I could have been more mathematically or mechanically minded, or that I didn't care as much and would be satisfied with just any job, just to pay the bills. But I'm not mathematically or mechanically minded. I'm not satisfied with just any job; trust me, I've tried it and slipped into such deep depressions during that time. I am a historian and because of it, I know I will have to face much adversity, being that there are drastically dwindling places for historians who do not have PhDs to find employment. Is it worth it? Absolutely! Is it worth staying at Luther Seminary another year to complete the MTh program? Not sure anymore. But I'm sure I'll come up with an answer very soon
So stay tuned...
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