Sunday, December 30, 2007

Re-evaluation

With the beginning of a new year approaching rapidly, I have found myself looking back over the past year, ok actually, the past months since graduation. I have never been good at dealing with transitional periods, so I just try to get through them the best I can. But recently, in the past week or so I have been getting overly frustrated with just "trying to get through" and have begun to take measures to change this attitude of mine into something more positive. I have begun the process (albeit at times painful) of re-evaluating my life as it is now.

I am taking steps to alleviate the crapiness that is my work situation by seeking out and applying for gainful employment as opposed to staying at a job that pays shit and takes complete advantage of employees to the nth degree and sometimes (if it is possible) even more than that. It is my personal goal to start a new job when I get back from my trip to Israel/Palestine, so I have a lot of work to do in the next two weeks.

I am also moving. Don't know exactly where yet, but I will be moving from St. Louis Park. I'm hoping for South Minneapolis, but it will probably be one of the burbs right outside Minneapolis. And the sooner I move the better. It would be nice to have everything done at the same time. A new job, a new apartment. And in either Feburary or March I'll be finding out what schools I got into for PhD work and I'll be deciding where I will be going, which is also exciting.

As usual I've gotten off track. The point is, is that I am re-evaluating the direction my life has taken the last few months and I don't like where it is going. I am taking steps to change things and am hopeful that it will all work out in some form or another.

Friday, December 14, 2007

My White Desert Wasteland

There are several things I greatly dislike about winter. First and foremost is the bone chilling cold temperatures, which make a person never want to leave the house/apartment until it is warm again. Second, the lack of sunlight. I need sunlight, to feel the heat on my skin and to be outside relaxing on a lawn chair or at the lake laying on a beach towel. Third everything is white. Not that I dislike the color but everything is so barren, like a desert but frickin' freezing cold.
Yesterday I looked out a window and it struck me how depressing and dead everything looked outside, while inside people were bustling around doing their jobs as lively as ever. My view was vast because it was from a window on the 48th floor of the Wells Fargo Center in downtown Minneapolis, so I could see far into the horizon and the landscape was wanting. And I felt trapped, like a bear in the winter that goes into hibernation, I too realized that a part of me has gone into hibernation. It almost felt like something inside of me has been shut off and I don't know how to turn it back on. It was sunset at the time and I found myself wishing that I had one more hour of sunlight, at least until I got to my other job so I wouldn't be driving in the dark with the rest of the crazy commuters like myself.
I can definitely say one thing for sure, I'm looking forward to spring, when I am able to turn back on that piece of myself that is hibernating and feel the sun's heat on my skin, enjoy the nice weather and take in the life that will return to this now white desert wasteland.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

I am not titling this post because I have no idea what it is going to be about. I just feel like writing. I suppose I could update you all on what has been going on with me. I work. I work all the time and I wish I could say I was making a lot of money but that would be less than true. I am making money but it is all going towards bills, food, bills, and I'm saving up for my trip in January to Palestine/Israel with Luther Seminary. I am grateful to my parents for helping me out with some of the expense of the trip, which was completely unexpected, and gladly received. I am still working at both the law office in Minneapolis and The Limited at the Southdale Center. I suppose it keeps me busy and out of trouble. But sometimes I just want to break out of the rut I'm in and do something extremely out of character for myself just for kicks.
I'm realizing I get bored with too much of the same thing if it goes on for too long. I want to escape, be spontaneous and do something very out of the ordinary. This is why I am so glad I am going on the Cross Cultural trip with Luther Seminary in January. It is definitely out of the ordinary and I'll be able to escape the mundane existence that I now find myself living daily.
I really shouldn't complain though. At least I have a job and am paying bills, keeping a roof over my head, mostly on my own with the occasional assistance from the parental units when it gets really tough. But overall, I'm doing it on my own, which is a small comfort. I don't feel like too big of a failure in the "real world".
I find that I have become indifferent to the way my life is going for the most part. Sometimes I get really down on myself for not having done things differently, but most of the time I just go through my day in a haze, mostly because I am working all the time and the only way to keep myself from going insane from dealing with all the stupid people I have to deal with (especially at The Limited) is to phase out. Well actually it is more like going numb and pretending to give a shit, when I really don't. I have become quite to good actress since the end of July.
But with people I actually care about and like, I don't act like that. I actually pay attention to what they are saying and am completely myself, when I actually am able to breath for a minute and spend time with friends and family.
Speaking of family, I had an awesome Thanksgiving. My sister, brother-in-law, and the kiddies came out from New Hampshire and my brother came home from film school in Florida and we all spent Thanksgiving together, which by the way, was also my dad's birthday. My aunt, uncle, and cousin also came down from Burnsville to celebrate with us, which was awesome. On Friday, we all went to the Minnesota Zoo and I have some pictures posted on my facebook page of the fun we all had walking around and looking at all the animals. It was just great to have everyone together for the first time in years.
And one more thing, I have turned in the first of my PhD applications (this one is to Harvard Divinity School) and tomorrow I'll be turning in my PhD application to Luther Seminary, which is exciting and scary at the same time. I only have one more to turn in and then I have to sit and wait to find out whether I have gotten into any of the schools or not. That will be a nerve racking time for me, but then again, with all the working and the amazing trip I'm going on in January, I won't have anytime to sit around and worry.
So that's that. My thoughts on my life lately in a nutshell. Nothing exciting, nothing profound, just the day to day life of someone who is bored and wanting desperately to break out of a rut and do something extraordinary. Thank God that January is only a short time away. And in a few weeks my brother will be home for 2 weeks and we can catch up on all the movies we've been planning to see. Holiday parties will be good breaks from the normal routine and spending time with family and friends will be welcome vacations from the rut of my slow and boring life of work, sleep, eat...not necessarily in that order.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Nothing of Significance

I was intending to write an update of how life has been and realized I have nothing of significance to write about. There are many mundane things I could write about. There are several things I could complain about. But honestly I don't have the energy to do either. Instead I am going to force myself to get off my computer and get some much needed rest and relaxation time in before going to sleep. I'll save the rest for another day...

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Dear Friend:

Dear Friend,
It has been a while since we last talked, so I thought I would update you on what's going on in my life. I can sum it up in three words; work, work, work. I have to work extra hard now at both jobs because I charged my trip to Israel/Palestine to my Target Visa Card. It will take me a while to pay it off, but it is totally worth it and I'm sure you'd agree being that you have done your fair share of traveling, going to Egypt and Turkey and all.
And lately I've been thinking a lot about relationships. Relationships with family and friends and romantic relationships as well. Mostly though my family and friends. I've been thinking a lot about you and all the fun that was had on the 4th of July and going to the Stone Arch Bridge to watch the fireworks with Veronica, Joe, and your roommate Matt. A lot has changed since then, but you know this well. You have gone ahead of us to set up for the party that will be had when we arrive to that final destination. I know this and it comforts me when I begin to feel sad that I will not see you anymore. Because that is not true, it is not true at all. You see, we shall meet again my friend, dear Katherine, just not yet, not yet...
Lovingly your friend always,
Megan Louise Pratola

(This blog is dedicated to my friend Katherine Ann Olson who was taken away from this world all too soon, who is partying it up in heaven with the big man himself and who will never be forgotten by those whose lives she touched with her bright smile and crazy red hair.)

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I got tagged by Jen

4 Jobs I've Held:
  • Sales Associate at The Limited (my previous stint in retail was at the local Fashion Bug in Dundas, MN)
  • Telephone Surveyor (gave health care surveys over the phone, it sucked!!!)
  • Movie rental clerk
  • hotel housekeeping (and I won't even go there)
4 Films I could watch again and again:
  • Dazed and Confused
  • Mansfield Park
  • Some Like It Hot
  • Anything Quentin Tarentino

4 TV Shows I watch:
  • Lost
  • Heroes
  • All of the Law and Orders (especially the reruns on TNT, which I don't get anymore...BOO!!!)
  • CSI: Las Vegas (but I also watch the NY one too)
4 Places I've lived:
  • Cedar Knolls, NJ
  • Northfield, MN
  • Bemidji, MN
  • Minneapolis, MN
4 Favorite foods:
  • Chocolate
  • Bread - all kinds
  • Cheese
  • Cereal
4 websites I visit everyday:
  • Luthersem
  • Facebook
  • Blogger (mine and several others!)
  • my hotmail account
4 favorite colors:
  • Blue
  • Green
  • Chocolate brown
  • Black
4 places I'd rather be right now:
  • Boston, MA
  • London, England
  • New York, New York
  • Madrid, Spain

4 names I like but wouldn't or couldn't use myself:
  • James
  • Harry
  • Clair
  • June

And my 4 blogging friends that I'm tagging are:
  • All the people I would tag have already been tagged so I'm not tagging anyone...so there...haha on that...

Sunday, September 30, 2007

October 1st in 25 minutes...

It baffles me that it is October already. I feel like it just turned spring two days ago. Anyway, the concept of time is baffling to me period. Sometimes it feels like things are at a stand still and then all of a sudden I feel in a rush. Sometimes I get so bored and sometimes I feel so busy...
Anyway, I'm only going to write a brief blog right now because I am tired and heading to bed but I wanted to share my news with you all.
I have been promoted at both of my jobs. At my law office job, I have gone from a temp. employee to actually working for the firm as their Assistant Law Librarian. Sadly it is only part-time but I really like it and so I took the position. I just have to sign on the dotted line and it's totally official.
At The Limited, I have been promoted to the position of Sales Lead, which is between being big-shot manager and a peon sales associate. Once I've done all the training I will be in charge of shifts and opening and closing the store as a part-time Sales Lead.
And this is where I become baffled by time again. I've only been working at The Limited for 2 months and at the Law Office for a month and a half and I'm being promoted. Of course I am honored that these places think so highly of me to promote me so soon, but I find myself wondering if I am ready. Do I know enough to be in charge after only 2 months? I guess I'll find out because I took the promotion and have no regrets as of late.
As for things outside of work, well there really isn't anything outside of work. Just trying to pay the bills and keep a roof over my head, save some money for my trip in January to the Holy Land with Luther Seminary peeps, and enjoy my downtime by reading up on the Medici and Machiavelli in Florence right before the beginning of the reformation period in history. Oh and of course I spend as much time as I can muster the energy for with friends and family. So there you have it. My life in a nutshell since the last time I blogged. Peace Out!!!

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Monotony

I don't really have much to say. Well I always have something to say, but lately life has been pretty dull. I'm either at one job or the other, some days both, I try and hang out with friends when I have the energy and I am broke. Now, I wouldn't mind working as much as I do if I had something to show for it. But I don't. All the money I make goes towards paying bills, keeping a roof over my head and gas to get to where I need to go.
I do have to say one thing though, I am looking forward to the day where I can take the light rail from St. Louis Park into downtown Minneapolis. Right now I drive over to the Lake Street stop because there is a park and ride there and take the light rail into downtown. I save a lot of money that way.
I've been spending most of my nights in lately, watching TV, putzing on the internet, and reading. It is hard to want to go out and spend time with people when I have no money, no energy, and over-all dislike where I am in my life right now. I am no longer transitioning, I am fully immersed in the "real" world and I hate it. It's boring, overrated, full of people just like me, trying to get by in day to day life without going nuts.
Suffocation is the word I will use to describe my new life. I feel like I'm stuck. Like I'm hitting my head up against a wall continuously as though it will change something. I need to get out, away from this mundane existence before I truly go insane. Routine is great, but there has got to be something to spice things up a bit at times. Sometimes I wish I could just leave all this behind and start over again somewhere else. Experience new things, meet new people, live... But for the next 10 months I am here in the "real" world, being bored, anxious, and feeling like I am missing out on something (don't know what) that is truly awe-inspiring, maybe even life changing.
For now I will try and stop hitting my head against the wall and do what everyone else in the "real" world does, try and make it through day after day.

Friday, September 7, 2007

I am the most indecisive person I know...

Ok, here it is. I have yet again found myself questioning my choices for the future. Sometimes it is good to have a plethora of choices to choose from at other times like now it is not so good. Today I received news of a slight road block in my application to start school again in January and it got me thinking a lot about what to do next. Clearly there is a simple solution around this road block, but instead I find myself looking at it, asking myself if it is worth the trouble, and realizing a different answer.
So I called the one person I knew who could talk me through this hiccup, my mom. I told her I had been rethinking why I was applying for a degree in Pastoral Care, not because I don't think I can do it, but more because I feel so strongly that I am not completely done with my studies in history. So she said this to me: "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I could not answer her. But in the end I did answer with this sidebar comment, which didn't mean anything when it came out of my mouth but then seconds later became realized. I said: "I just don't want to go through two more years of school studying pastoral care counseling and realize I really don't want to do that, but going through the four years of a PhD program in historical studies, I know I wouldn't regret because I have loved and will always love history." So there, I answered my own question.
So I have finally bitten the bullet; I can no longer deny it. I am destined for PhD work no matter how hard I have fought against it. I don't have the strength to fight anymore. God has kicked the crap out of me for the last time on this subject; I have given in completely. No more fear of not being smart enough for it. No more fear of all the hard work I will put into it. No more fear. I am powerless to stop what must be done. And therefore I have pulled out of the Pastoral care degree and am instead devoting free time towards researching different seminary's Church history programs and admission requirements. I have not begun filling anything out yet but will have to start that process soon.
The only thing I feel at odds about is the fact that I was so passionate in my resolve to return to Luther Seminary to study pastoral care and work with young adults. Perhaps I jumped the gun a little bit by applying and telling everyone what I was going to do. Maybe I should have kept it to myself, but then again, I really am serious about working with "emerging" adults. But now instead of making a career out of it, I can devote myself to this endeavor in other ways. And instead of putting my love of history on the side line, I will now be able to research and teach my passion for the rest of my life. I can devote myself to two things. One I already do every day anyway. The last two days I have been providing pastoral care to one of my bosses at The Limited. She is going through a transitional period in her life, leaving The Limited to start a new job somewhere else and has a lot of things on her mind. I have been a good listener and every once in a while interject with a comment or two. Pastoral Care is something I can do every day with anyone.
History is something I can do everyday too, and it is something I want to do everyday. It is something I want to study, teach and share with the whole world because it is important even though many people I know don't particularly care for it. History tells us where we have come from, where we are and where we are headed in the future. Without history we wouldn't know half of what we know now. Yes it is a bunch of dates and names but it is so much more than that as well, and that right there is what I want to spend the rest of my life showing the world. History does matter!!! I want to write it, research it, teach it, live it, breath it. It is who I am, what I am meant to do.
So for everyone who I am confusing with my several changes of heart in the past months I apologize. I do not regret any of my decisions, but instead embrace them because they have finally led me to accept and acknowledge my life's work, which God has been trying to tell me all along but I have stubbornly ignored because I didn't want to face the reality for some reason, more than likely out of fear. Fear can keep a person from doing many things, in my case it has weighed me down with doubt which I gave myself over to briefly. Fear of the "real" world, in which I don't fit in (rather I belong in the world of academia) led me to doubt my calling briefly. But I am aware again of my calling to profess the history of our church for future generations and am taking the necessary steps towards being able to accomplish this goal; PhD program research at seminaries across the country and filling out the necessary forms and sending in the necessary data required by the schools I choose to apply to.
I swear, I am seriously the most indecisive person I know... but somehow, someway, I know deep down inside that my new course of action is truly the right one for me and that nothing else would ever make me feel like I am fulfilling my purpose as God has given me to fulfill.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

What the Dude People, What the Dude??!!!

Being that I didn't want to start my new post with swear words I substituted the f-bomb with the word Dude. Here's a funny story: Today I was sitting at my usual desk in the law library I've been temping at updating periodicals when all the sudden I stopped and said to myself out loud (quietly) what the hell am I doing? What the hell am I doing with my life? Why am I going back to school for Pastoral Care when all I really what to do is research and write historical biographies and far-out novels? Why can't I sit down and write out vignettes about my own life experiences for a book that my mom and I are working on together? Why? What the hell is going on?

This bout of questioning came out of the blue because before these thoughts popped into my head, my mind was blank, doing my job and enjoying the monotonous work of updating periodicals. But it did get me thinking about what's to come.

And therefore I wrote an email to the head of the Pastoral Care program at Luther Seminary, Professor Rollie Martinson, asking him what classes I will need to take since I already have a degree from Luther and what I will need to get into PhD programs in the future. I am excited about this decision to pursue this endeavor and know it is my purpose.

Though I am moving away from history for a while, academically speaking, I still intend to pursue historical research on my own as well as figure out a way to contribute to the work my mom and I are doing together. Maybe I'm just not ready to write about my experiences, maybe I need to just talk about them while someone else types them out or writes them down. I often find I don't know where to begin and everything I write is so childish and dull compared to the actual memories. Anyway, that's my burden to bare I suppose. I'm sure I'll figure something out.

I have some ideas already of historical research I would like to start on. I would like to research about the church as well as politics in England and Ireland during the reign of Mary I and Elizabeth I. I would also like to learn more about the church in Colonial America. I have always been fascinated by Machiavelli so I'll probably do some more research on his works and their affect on Florentine politics and religion. And there are so many other things I would like to study, research and write about so I won't take the time to mention them now. What I have here is just a short list to start with and I'll work my way out from this.

I guess I was just taken aback by the random rush of doubt that hit me today like a baseball bat to the head. I know this kind of thing happens to most people. I just thought I'd let others know that they are not alone, especially when they find themselves thinking, actually more like scream, "What the Dude People, What the Dude??!!!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Working girl now

I'm a working girl now. I hate it. More to the point, I don't hate it, I just wish I were doing something else. I actually really like one of the jobs I have right now. It's at a law office in downtown Minneapolis, in the Wells Fargo Center. It's on one of the top floors and there is a great view of the city from the lobby windows. I like to stand in the lobby looking out over the rush going on far below me and wonder about life. Sadly I believe the job ends next week but I don't want to leave. It is tedious and sometimes very boring, but I like being able to walk around downtown after work and muse over the bustling of the city. And I have found some fabulous looking restaurants and bars that I would really like to go to sometime when I find people who would be willing to join me. Sometimes I wish I were able to go to a sit down restaurant by myself without feeling awkward but I'm not to that point yet. I can go to the movies by myself, I do it all the time, but restaurants I just haven't gotten used to yet. There is something about being able to have a conversation over dinner that is just much more appealing than sitting at a table all by oneself with only one's own thoughts to occupy the time.

So needless to say, I love my downtown law office job, my boss is totally quirky and I love it. He talks like the Rain Man, with the slight hint of a New Jersey accent. And I get to learn a little about what the lawyers do which is fun. I don't do too much with them though, I mostly just make copies and update periodicals for the library.

Now my other job, well I won't even start on that. It's fine, I just can't stay there for more than 5 hours without wanting to do serious harm to people. But starting this coming week I have some 8 hour shifts which is totally going to suck ass. It sure as hell is going to be interesting to see how well I make it through those days. On the plus side I get time and a half on Labor Day for working 4 hours. That will be nice.

So, yup, my life consists of working for the most part, with the occasional event to separate out the days. For example, last night my bff Michelle called me and said she wanted to make dinner for me and my other bff Karen if we were willing to drive down to Northfield for it. She had apparently heard from Karen that I had a somewhat crappy weekend and Karen had a crappy weekend and she wanted to make us dinner to help us feel better. Of course Karen and I showed up; I mean seriously, who's going to turn down a free meal. Other than that, I have watched a lot of movies lately and hope to add to my collection as soon as I have straighted out my budget, etc...

Oh and I had no power Monday morning because of the storm and therefore had to wait till I got home from work to take a shower. That was totally not cool. But I have power now so all is good and right with the world again.

What other randomness can I write about? Well, I can't think of anything so I'm off to go watch another movie, just for something new and different to do.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Fortress of Solitude

I have no words of inspiration today, I just feel like writing. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm going to go to chapel for real this time and listen to a great Jim Boyce sermon, get some Jesus, listen in on Paulson's Confessions class, eat some lunch with friends and then hit the road. I'm heading down to my parent's house because I have an early doctors appointment on Thursday morning.
There is a reason I go down to my parent's on Sundays or Mondays depending on when I have to work now. It is my fortress of solitude. It gives me a chance to process the events of the past week, take it easy, relax, and allow myself to gear up for the coming week. I haven't gotten to do that yet this week and I'm beginning to feel bogged down by it. It doesn't even matter if my mom and dad are home. In fact, I like to come home to an empty house and watch old episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 after I've watched General Hospital, my soap. I sit around and watch crappy cable TV until mom comes home and then we watch an episode of Law and Order together. My own personal fortress of solitude.
It is not the same sitting in my apartment alone. Here I don't have crappy cable TV to watch and there are too many distractions. Both good distractions like friends calling me up to hang out, and bad distractions, like the demons coming out to play, but distractions nonetheless. I need to feel the peace and quiet that I feel when I'm down at my parent's. I don't know why, it's just something I need.
Sadly though, going down to the parental units tomorrow takes away from valuable time I could be spending with friends who are leaving soon to continue on their life's journey. This saddens me. But I wouldn't be too much fun to be around anyway without some time spent at my fortress of solitude to recoop and gather myself again. Sometimes when I don't get to the fortress of solitude for a while, I find myself losing my grasp on what is important and what is not so important in life.
My fortress of solitude allows me to refocus my priorities, to read and listen to the word, to feel the Holy Spirit working in my life in ways I never expected, to remember that it is not up to me, to remember to hand myself over to Christ and let go of all the piddly things that have been bothering me, or things I can't control. I need time in the fortress of solitude and tomorrow I will be able to go there and begin to feel at peace again.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

A Week and Two Years...

It's been exactly one week since the 35W bridge collapsed into the Mississippi taking with it cars and lives. A freak accident that directly and indirectly affects all of us in some way.

Today as I was heading over to Luther for chapel to listen to an awesome Jim Boyce sermon and get some Jesus, I was distracted and decided to take the long way over. The now very long way over. I decided to drive through my old stomping grounds, The University of Minnesota, where I lived for two years just a block away from where the bridge collapsed last Wednesday. I was not able to drive the roads I used to because they were blocked off, so I ended up driving around aimlessly with extreme feelings of nostalgia washing over me and memories of my youthful two years at the U cascading through my mind. I could not block out any of it. It all came rushing back, especially the great times that were once in a life time experiences that I feel blessed to have experienced with wonderful friends, who are all well and good.

It is a strange feeling when your past comes crashing down, literally. I felt the same way on 9/11. The disbelief, the memories flooding my mind with me powerless to stop them. Remembering going to Lincoln Center with my mom to see the Nutcracker Ballet and looking up at the Twin Towers and their awesomeness. And that one day, I felt like my whole past, my whole childhood, the symbol of it anyway was taken away from me. It all came crashing down and I was left with a feeling of emptiness which is impossible to describe. I feel the same now with this most recent tragedy. And both times I cried and cried for those who lost their lives, for those left behind to face another day always questioning why and how come it happened in the back of their minds.

I know this probably all sounds a bit dramatic. I am saddened by recent events, the loss of innocence in a way. For some this is the first time such a tragedy has happened and thank God for that. For the rest of us, well, all we can do is pull ourselves together, say a prayer, and try as hard as we can to move on, and know that day by day things will become easier to handle, the memories will subside and life will go back to the usual monotony that we all knowingly or unknowingly crave.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Doing the Right Thing....

Why is it so hard to do the right thing sometimes? What exactly is the right thing or the right way? It can be interpreted in so many different ways by each individual person to the point that the whole concept becomes blurred. Lately I feel blessed to have found my vocational calling. Explaining it to people does not come easily but I know what I am doing.

I have also felt pressured by unforeseen circumstances beyond my control. So I have a choice to make and not an easy choice at that. How does one decide what is the right course of action to take? Does one follow gut reaction or take time to reason through all the possible outcomes? And what if there isn't a lot of time to decide? Am I to make a rash decision and regret it later? I speak in riddles because sometimes it is easier than having to face the obstacle head on. But eventually I will have to confront the obstacle face to face and hopefully by then I will know to the best of my ability what is the right thing to do.

Enough of this depressing crap! I am currently sitting in the Luther Seminary library because my apartment smells like rotten eggs. There is some sort of construction or something going on across the street at the old folks home and the wind is wafting the nasty smell towards my apartment. Since I had already decided yesterday that I would be going to chapel today, I also decided to bring my reading material, my current issue of Entertainment Weekly along to read in the library for a while. It is nice to still be a part of this community, have friends here to hang out with and talk to and be able to just amble around doing my thing doing my thing.

Last night I watched one of my favorite contemporary movie which came out on DVD yesterday, 300. Everything about that movie is awesome. The CG action sequences, camera angles, and especially the soundtrack. Talk about kick ass!! It also holds a special place in my heart because it was one of the few movies I was able to see with my movie going buddy, my brother, while he was home in April. One thing we always do together when he comes home from film school to visit is pick out a movie we both really want to see and go see it one of the first nights he is home. And 300 was the movie we were both psyched to see on that particular visit. It may sound like a strange tradition, but I don't really care what anyone else thinks about it so there.

Wow, I just realized that I just went on rampage of random thoughts. Sorry about that. I'll end now to continue another day.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Faith Statements and other news...

As part of my re-admittance to Luther Seminary I have to revise my autobiography/faith statement. It may sound like an easy task but in reality it's not so easy. I have changed so much over the last two years. Sometimes I felt my faith falter and constantly wondered what the hell I was even doing at Luther Seminary. Other times I felt my faith grow stronger and stronger. This usually happened when I heard an awesome sermon in chapel, but usually more often than not I would feel this way while sitting talking to friends about anything and everything in the cafe or out on a late night Perkins run. Some of the professors I had for classes certainly contributed to both the faltering and strengthening of my faith as well. Professors Steve Paulson, Skip Sundberg, and Rollie Martinson definitely gave me opportunities to ask questions. Professor Farag did as well but in a different way than the others. She and Professor Haemig definitely forced me to ask myself what the hell I was doing over and over and over again. But I think in the end it was the people I was blessed meet and to be able to call my friends that led the way. Through them I was shown through word and action, law and gospel, what it meant to be faithful, and most of all love of one's neighbor.

This is what I want to write about in my updated autobiography and faith statement. Through the people around me I learned the strength and weakness of my own faith, my own understanding of God's sacrifice given to us in the form of his only son, Jesus Christ, and spread to all through the power of the Holy Spirit. It is through friends and family, who stuck by me in "the best of times and the worst of times" that I have learned a more complete concept of Jesus' commandments, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your mind, and all your soul; and love your neighbor as yourself."

This autobiography/faith statement is the last piece of information I need to turn in in order to be readmitted in January. Other than that, I just need to meet with Rollie who is the head of the program I am participating in, and the financial aid guy and a few other people to get some things in the works before I start up again. My first official class back will be my trip to the Holy Land. How freaking cool is that!!! Oh, and just as a side note, I have decided after much musing that I will not be doing the deaconess route because I don't do so well when it comes to authority telling me what to do and what not to do.

In other news, I started my job at The Limited on Sunday, yesterday. It went well and I got to meet all my coworkers which was fun. I figure this job will be good for now and I'm going to keep looking as well. For now, I just need something, anything to pay the bills. I figure this will be a good experience too and force me to come out of my shell and learn to be more comfortable talking to people I hardly know, which will help me with my future vocational goals.

Alrighty then, now that I have written a short novel I am going to finish checking my email and go to sleep. Sleep is good and well yeah. TaTa for now. Love you all!!! Au revoir mes amies.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Call me sister Megan???

Today I met with an old pastor of mine. I have been feeling lost about my future and thought I should seek some guidance. Pastor Mike was very helpful.

Having said that; I am the type of person who follows their gut when it comes to deciding matters that are extremely important and my future, well, it is important. So I came upon a decision, inspired by my old pastor and I believe the holy spirit as well.

I will be returning to Luther Seminary. This time for an MA in Pastoral Care/Faith and Health. It has been made very apparent to me in recent weeks that although I still aspire to become a professor of church history, I feel the need to do something more.

What is that something more you may wonder? It is to provide advise and counseling to young adults and teenagers getting ready to go out and face the world after high school. I have always been interested in counseling and psychology and to be able to use it in a faith setting is just fabulous.

I am also starting the process of becoming a deaconness. I don't know if I spelled that right or not. After doing some research on deaconness roles in the church and the wider community, I believe it will be a good fit for me and give me the ability to do my vocation in an optimal way.

I should/will be starting back at Luther in January, my first class back being my Cross Cultural trip to the Holy Land. I feel it in my gut that this is what I am supposed to do. This is part of the vocation that I have been given by the big HS (holy spirit) and his fellow homies in the big "T" (trinity), the big G (God) and the big JC (Jesus Christ). This is the first time in months that I feel calm and that I am moving in the right path. This is not the path I expected to take at all but it is the one I am being pushed towards and for the first time I am not fighting back because I know in my very being it is what I need to do.

I will keep you all posted with new updates in my vocational adventures. Thank you all for your continued support through these last few months. I know I have not been easy to be around sometimes, but you all stuck by me and there are no words I can say to express my thanks. Love you all and God Bless!!!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

The dreaded GRE...

Today I took the GRE because it is required to get into PhD programs. It is required to get into most MA programs too, but not at Luther Seminary :), which is one of several reasons I chose to go there.
I hate standardized tests. I never do good on them for reasons I can't explain. It's not like I don't prepare to the best of my ability. I just always end up sucking at them. Now I have a headache the size of Texas. I'm just glad that this stupid test isn't going to be the ultimate deciding factor (well hopefully it won't be) in getting into PhD programs. I know I probably won't be able to get into someplace like Harvard or Princeton, but those aren't my top choices anyway.
The lesson for today is that standardized tests suck and I suck at them. And even though this is true, I am not an idiot, I'm just not good at taking dumb required standardized tests.

Monday, July 16, 2007

These Days...

These days my mood changes so much. Sometimes I am relaxed and content like right now and other times I can get pissed off at the slightest thing, like the other day with the mail. It is frustrating to be this way. I know why it is happening and am taking steps to relieve myself of this situation.

It is happening because of the hurricane of change that has been going on in my life. I graduated from Seminary, no longer a student, don't seem to have any prospects for employment, have to continually harass the temp agency I am employed with about work and get no results, have no idea how I am going to pay my bills, and last but not least, will probably have to ask my parents for help financially which really takes an emotional toll. I don't have a problem asking my parents for anything else, only money.

Which brings me to another thought, why? Why am I so afraid of asking my parents for help when I need it? Is it because I feel like a total and complete failure that I haven't been able to find a job? Is it because I am 25 and feel like I should be able to take care of myself without getting help from my parents? I think it is all these things and more. Why when it comes to money are people so afraid to ask for help? Why is it even a big deal?

I think I am afraid to ask because I do feel like a failure. I have failed at being an adult in the "real world". The only place I feel like am not a failure is when I am in a class room either teaching other people what I know or learning what other people know. I love sitting in the library doing research, listening to my "Best of the Who" CD cranked up and having all my books and stuff scattered all around me. That is when I feel most alive, even though it is stressful and strenuous at times. I want to teach people about the history of the church. It is the only thing that is keeping me going, knowing that within the next year I will be back in school working towards my PhD (don't know where yet, but I'm looking at three places and am taking the GRE again this Thursday so wish me luck).

As for the money issue, well I don't know what to say. I guess it is something else I need to work on. Being comfortable asking for help when I need it, whether it is financially, emotionally, or in any other way. I just don't want to let anybody down and I think if I ask for help from my parents I'll be letting them down in some way. I think maybe I think too much.

Today I decided to stay down at my parent's house because in the past I have always been able to figure my shit out and start to see the bigger picture and pull myself out of the gloom that comes with change, and not just any change but those big transition times after something big ends and waiting for something else big to begin. So far it is working.

In the end, there is only so much I can do before I have to give it all up to the big "G" and his son the big "JC". I can feel the Holy Spirit doing what it does best. I know that in the end, of yet another transition period in life, it is the big "T" (for trinity) and faith that will get me though. The big "T" have been there in the good, have been there in the bad, and they will be there for me and all forever.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Sometimes...

Sometimes I really fucking hate people. For example, I recently received in the mail a letter from my old apartment's managing office saying that I didn't turn in my keys, which apparently is going to cost me $80. I turned in my keys the day I moved everything out, which was on June 30 so now I have to deal with the asshole property manager and jump through a bunch of freaking hoops because the super either fucking lost them or there was a miscommunication, which seems to be happening to me alot lately.
Then I also received a piece of mail charging me for a medical bill that I already fucking paid. What the hell is wrong with these people?!!! Why is this happening?!!! I am so sick of having to "straighten" things out with companies and what-have-you because fucking idiot people can't figure out how to do their god damn job. And what pisses me off even more is that it is such a simple job. Turn the keys over to the property manager; put the payment into the computer database; seriously people it's not that hard.

Sorry I just needed to vent. I don't even know if this makes any sense at all, but sometimes it just gets so tiring having to deal with idiot people. Yes it is probably a miscommunication, but I don't fucking care. I'm tired of dealing with people who can't figure out how to do their job. Is it laziness? Is it just pure forgetfulness? Is it that the person is just an asshole and doesn't know what the hell they are doing? These are all questions I ponder when I have reached the brink of my patience and am going overboard. There comes a point when one has to stop being patient and start being bitchy to get things done. I am at that point. Hence the very angry and sarcastic post. So starting tomorrow, things are going to change; things are going to start getting done not just on my end but the other end of things too. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of being pushed around by assholes. Bring it on m...er f...ers, Bring it on!!!

Thursday, July 12, 2007

And Now Something New...

Today I received an email from IKEA saying that they are interested in talking to me about a position I applied for. This is good news. Not exactly a job that shows that I have a Master's degree, but there is the possibility of a job, which translates to making some money, which translates to being able to pay my bills and the ability to start saving money again.

Yesterday, I decided to walk around Southdale Center and I happened upon a few places that were hiring. The first one I walked into, The Limited, the salesperson was very helpful in answering my questions and gave me the number for the hiring manager and an application. I am going back tomorrow when the manager is there to set up an interview.

So it looks like I may become employed very soon, which is exciting for me. Sadly, neither job gives credit to the fact that I have a master's degree but I have worked retail before and know the gist of how things work. I don't want to jump the gun though and say I am definitely going to get either job, I just thought I'd inform you all of the latest news.

Also yesterday, I spontaneously decided to go see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. It was really great and that's all I'm going to say for now because I know there are people who have not seen it yet, especially since it only came out yesterday. And so that is all for now, new news on my job search and Harry Potter, man I lead such an exciting life.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Great Sermons and Motivation...

Today I got up early and drove over to Luther Sem. to go to chapel which was led by none other than my friend Jen Kuntz. I was there a little late because the idiot Minnesota department of transportation has decided to close down all but one lane of 394 and traffic was backed up. But I made it in time for most of the days reading and the rest of the service. The sermon was great and it got me thinking about a lot of things. But most importantly, it got me motivated again to continue my job of finding a job.

It's weird how sometimes a few words of law and gospel can get under a person's skin. I feel slightly more energized about my day ahead now. Thanks Jen!!! And thanks to everyone who has stuck by me while I've been in my never-ending funk the last few weeks. It is hard to be positive all the time when you keep getting rejected for employment by either getting the obligatory letter saying no or just not hearing back at all.

But this too shall pass. Not the motivation of the word but the sorrow of rejection.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

More Random Stuff

This is my first blog from my new apartment in St. Louis Park. I just got internet 15 minutes ago. The guy was very annoying but it all worked out. The move went well. I had my parental units and three great friends come help me move last Saturday, which was awesome. Now all I have to do is get a job. I am waiting to hear back from like a billion places I've applied to and continue everyday to apply to more places. Someday someone will want to hire me for something.

For now though I am hanging out. My brother is in Minnesota until Sunday when he has to head back to Orlando for school. I didn't see him yesterday and won't be seeing him today because he's hanging out with friends. We went to see Transformers on Monday, the first showing, which was freaking awesome. I'm hoping I'll get to hang out with him either tomorrow or Saturday since I won't see him again until November. I hate that he is so far away, but it is comforting to know that he is enjoying what he is doing and that we raised him to be responsible, which he seems to be doing for the most part.

As for everything else, well there's not much more to say. Life is pretty dull right now. To quote Fanny from the movie "Mansfield Park", "Life is nothing but a quick succession of busy nothings."

Friday, June 29, 2007

What A Day

Today has been quite the eventful day for me. This morning I got up around 8:30 and got ready to head over to St. Louis Park to sign my lease and start moving a few things into the apartment. When I got there, the carpet cleaners were just finishing up their work, which meant that I couldn't put anything on the floor because it is all carpeted except the small kitchen and bathroom. This meant that I couldn't move in the three tuberware boxes I had in my trunk which are still hanging out in there.

So I was only able to move in a few things, but it is better than nothing at all.

Then I went to start my car to go back to my soon to be old apartment in St. Paul and my car wouldn't start. It made the saddest little noise and then nothing. So I went to the super and ask her if she had any jumper cables and if she could jump my car. She said yes. Then I waited for her to be done with her showings which was a good half hour to 45 minutes later and we tried to jump my car. And nothing. So I frantically called my mother unit and told her what was going on to which she replied that she would call my father unit and tell him and then call me back.

Needless to say, my battery in my car is kaput and my parental units are buying me a new one which my father unit will put in my car tomorrow when they come up to help me move. I love my family.

So now that that situation was somewhat resolved, I had no choice but to leave my car where it was in St. Louis Park out front of my new apartment building. So there it sits until tomorrow. I was stranded there but then my good friend Veronica agreed to come pick me up and bring me back to St. Paul. I took her out to lunch for her efforts. I love my friends.

Now I am stuck in my St. Paul apartment until tomorrow with no form of transportation, which is turns out to be a good thing because I still have some things to get packed up and now I am forced to do it because I have nothing else to do. All I have to say is, "What A Day!!!"

Monday, June 25, 2007

Am I dreaming or are things starting to come together??!!

Ok, the last time I blogged I was pretty pissed off about my situation in life at that moment. How fast things can change. I finally heard back about the apartment in St. Louis Park and we have been approved as tenants so I will be moving starting Friday with my boxes o' crap and continuing Saturday with the bigger furniture. (Side Note: if anyone is around and available to help me on Saturday that would be awesome!!!) Everything worked out with the apartment which is awesome.

As for the job situation: it is still frustrating but I am getting an application from a friend of mine for a job at a group home for teenagers, etc... tomorrow and I know I'll have a great recommendation from her. I also have a job interview tomorrow at a place I don't remember applying to in Brooklyn Park. They must have gotten my resume off Careerbuilder.com or something like that. I seriously don't remember sending my resume to the place, but whatever, it's a job interview and hopefully a job. I think it is doing some sort of sales thing. Personally, I would rather work at Safe Haven, where my friend works than do sales but I'm not going to be picky at this point.

My sister and the kiddies left early early early on Sunday morning and my parent's house was eerily quiet yesterday when I went down there. Check out my pictures on Facebook of some family fun that was had over the last 12 days. But I am even more excited about my brother coming to visit. He gets here on Sunday and doesn't go back till next Sunday. I can't wait.

Things are starting to look up in a way, but I don't want to jinx it by getting too excited. So I am going to leave things as they are for now and keep updating what's going on with "stuff".

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Thank You Everyone Who went Bowling Tonight...

Thank you all for making my day so much better!!!!

What's Going On???!!

I don't know what the hell is going on anymore. I don't know if I'll be moving anymore to the apartment in St. Louis Park because I haven't heard anything back about whether we are acceptable tenants or not. I haven't found anyone to take over my own lease for the apartment I am staying in now and neither has my super. This whole this has turned into a major pain in the ass. Why can't anything just fucking go the way it is fucking supposed to for once.

And I still don't have a steady job yet. Thanks assholes who say that the economy is getting stronger. Fuck you!!! You don't know crap. If a person with a Master's degree can't even find a steady job with health benefits then what the hell is everyone else going to do...

So as you can see, I don't know what the hell is going on with my life right now. I'm just waiting to hear back from the apartment people, praying to God that someone comes out of the woodwork and wants my apartment I am living in now for July 1st or soon there after, and praying that I'll hear back from one of the 100+ employers I've sent resumes to about a job. I'm just so sick of waiting around. It is times like these that really emphasize why I can say I hate people and mean it.

P.S. My sister and the kiddies are still here. I love my family, I do. But too much family time just makes me want to hide out in my apartment for days at a time, avoiding the world and all the bullshit in it.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

And the Beat Goes on...

It has been almost three weeks since I graduated from Luther Seminary. A lot can happen in three weeks.

First of all I have finally heard back about a job. I went in for an interview on Tuesday this week and it went well. They tested me on my knowledge of Microsoft 2000 which was weird and I didn't do too well, but apparently I impressed them enough in my face to face interview that I got a call the next day about a 3-6 month project that they had. I still need to get the rest of the logistics but I'm hoping it works out because I need a job now. I'm crawling out of my skin and need something mindless to keep me busy as opposed to doing a whole lot of nothing.

I am moving to Saint Louis Park, just 2 minutes outside of the Minneapolis, Calhoun Lake area. It's a nice two bedroom and my roommate is super cool. I'm excited about it. But I'm still waiting to hear back about whether or not we both passed all the preliminary crap before they accept us as tenants or something like that. Whatever, all I know is that I need to move so I'll be moving somewhere, hopefully to the place in STLP July 1st.

Oh, and my sister who lives in New Hampshire is visiting for the next 10 or so days with the kiddies. They are staying at my parental units house. I talked to my 3 year old nephew Dylan on the phone today and he wants me to come down and play motorcycle racing and go to the pool with him today. How can I say no to that?! My 8 month old niece Savanna is just the cutest and has a huge smile. But I have to be honest, I have no idea how my sister Stephanie can do it; take care of two little ones. It boggles my mind.

So today I am heading down to the parental units house and mom, Steph, the kiddies and myself are all taking a trip to the pool for the afternoon. I haven't been to a public pool in ages. It should be interesting that's for sure. But if I am personally requested by Sir Dylan McDylan my adorable nephew to come then, well, like I said, how can I say no to that...

I love that my sister and the kiddies are visiting, but at the same time, I miss hanging out with my friends. I can only take so much family time before I feel like I'm going stir crazy. So soon I am going to make a break for it and escape for a day to hang out with friends. I've been invited to go to the lake either tomorrow or Saturday, but Saturday is out because it is a family day. My dad won't have to work and so we'll probably end up doing some big hoopla. But maybe they'll wait to do that on Sunday and I can go to the lake with friends Saturday. One can hope right?

I'll keep you informed about the craziness that is my life right now. As for the rest, well, The Beat Goes On...

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Finally Ready to Write a New Blog Entry

Ok, to be honest, I have no idea what I am going to write. I don't have a job yet, but am still diligently and desperately searching.
So to keep myself occupied I have offered my assistance to friends who are moving from Bockman Hall to the apartments and from the apartments to wherever their next destination may be. It is strange how things change so quickly.
I graduated on May 27th and yet I feel as though my time a Luther Seminary is not over. At the same time, I am more than ready to move on to something else for a while. I really really really strongly dislike these transition periods in life. And then again, it is an exciting time because anything can happen. The world is at my disposal. I can do anything. But I don't want to do just anything. Here are two things I know for sure about the next year and a half:

1) I am going to the Holy Land in January with Luther Seminary because I didn't get to go last year and Gary talked me into it for this year.
2) I am going back to school for my PhD in the fall of 2008. Not sure where yet but it is between four places: Union Theological Seminary in New York; Harvard Divinity School; Princeton Theological Seminary; and Luther Seminary.

I may have written about these two definite decisions I have made before but I don't remember. What I need to do now is fill my time with work (when I get a job) and spending time with friends and family. I find sometimes that I am a big dreamer. I want a great job to tide me over until I start school again, but really, what I need to do is just get a job, any job that pays and has benefits so I can afford and continue to get my happy pills from the drug store without having to pay out the ass for them.

This blog is random, much like my life is right now. Maybe someday I'll write in a cohesive thought process again. As for now, I am going to stop babbling on like an idiot and go read a fun book.

Friday, May 18, 2007

It is finished

Starting Wednesday around 3pm I became a free woman again. By free I mean, I am finished with my career as a student at Luther Seminary forever. Now the fun begins; the fun of getting a job. I have been good about applying for jobs, except this week. This week I just focused on getting my last assignments done. I wish I could say I was sad about being done with Luther Seminary, but that would not be the whole truth.

The truth is, I am looking forward to the next step in my life, whatever that may be. I am going to learn German, brush up on my French, retake the GRE because my last score pretty much sucks the big one, and apply for Fall 2008 entry into PhD programs for Church History. In the meantime, I have to get a job to pay the bills or maybe two depending on what I can find out there. I'm optimist that an opportunity will soon present itself in some form or other.

One thing I will miss though about Luther is the people I have come to know and love. All my friends especially. I will miss the craziness that is Luther Seminary, some of the great professors, and the opportunity to learn new things everyday. Not that I can't do this on my own, or won't be doing this when I return to school, but nothing will ever be like my time at Luther Seminary. I will forever cherish the last two years of my life as some the most challenging and best years of my life.

Thank you everyone for allowing me into your life, taking me in, and being awesome. Even if we lose contact with each other, I will never forget the amazing people I met during my two years at Luther Seminary. God Bless!!!

Friday, May 4, 2007

Mental Health Days

Today I decided to take a mental health day. I did not go to Lutheran Confessions precept. Instead I slept right through my alarm and woke up not too long ago. I made the decision last night to go out and have fun, which meant going bowling and then heading over to the mall to see the awesomeness that is Spider-man 3. The only draw back of my decision was that I did not get home till around 3:30 in the am and it took me a while to get to sleep because my brain was on coolness overload.

I decided to take a mental health day. I do not do this often, but today seems like the perfect day to do so. It is rainy and dreary and who wants to go anywhere on a day like to day anyway?? I am not taking the day off completely though. Today, I am going to draft most of my Early Church History final essays, which I have started in my head but need to get typed on my computer. I already know that this next week is going to be super busy finishing stuff for classes, so even doing little things now will help out in the end.

Today I still have to apply for a job. I've made it a goal to apply for one job everyday until I get a job. Yesterday I applied for two, but I'm still making myself apply for one today as well. I'm hoping to hear back very soon from some of the places I've already applied to. I'm trying not to get too worked up about it because there is always the chance that none of the places want to hire me and the thought of that right now just sucks. So I'm staying as positive as I can at the moment and continuing to do my thing, do my thing, which is sometimes all a person can do.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Another fun quote from Early Church History with Sundberg

Martin Luther: "Aristotle is a whore."

I am so freaking bored right now. I am writing this crappy blog to keep myself awake while Skip goes off about Thomas Aquinas. Well I must go back to pretending to give a shit in class...it's going to be a hard act to pull off...

Too early for me

It's 8:20 in the freaking morning. What is going on? I should not be wide awake right now, I should be sleeping or almost waking up. I don't get it.

I went to see a movie Saturday night with my friend Veronica and we got free passes because she didn't realize that there was a student discount. I talked her into going over to guest services and the guy there didn't want to deal with giving us a refund so he just gave us free passes. How freaking sweet is that!!!! Awesome!!!

My best friend is now engaged and has asked me to be one of her personal attendants. Apparently she needs two. I don't know a whole lot about this wedding stuff but apparently that normal to have two. I'm excited because now I don't have to deal with buying and getting fitted for a dress I'll never wear again. But I have also made it clear that I will not be holding up her dress if she has to go to the bathroom. We have all agreed that the other PA, our other best friend Karen will be doing that.

Lately I have been diligently applying for jobs anywhere and everywhere doing a variety of things. Most of them are crappy office jobs, but I've got to start somewhere and get some work experience. I'll only hopefully be there for a year anyway because I would like to start more graduate work in the fall of 2008, but we'll see about that.

Everyone say a little prayer that I hear back from the British Museum very soon about a job I applied for there. Please and thank you!!!!

So that's all that's going on with me right now. Just working on finishing up school stuff and getting a job. Nothing too exciting. I don't know what else to write because it's too early for me to be up and even though I'm wide awake, my brain for some reason is not functioning to full power yet. Figures...

Friday, April 27, 2007

It's my Birthday

It's my birthday today. It was a lovely day, which is quite shocking because it is usually rainy and dreary. I spent much of the day outside once I got home and took some allergy medicine. Some good friends of mine and I went out to Old Chicago last night and then spent some time on the 3rd floor of Bockman hall being loud and keeping people awake. It was super fun.

Today has been lovely so far. I went to class this morning and then chapel. From there I went and sat in the dining hall for a while and then went and bought my tickets for the senior dinner at the Science Museum and the Saints game. Apparently I signed up to go to the senior barbeque too, which I had totally forgotten about. Then I went back to the dining hall and had some cafeteria pizza which was good and then went and worked out after my food settled. Then I went home and took a shower, took some allergy medicine and went for a walk. I've been napping in and out a lot this afternoon too. Overall, it's been a great day. It is starting to get cloudy though and looks like it is going to rain. Oh, well, at least the day was nice.

Oh, funny story. Apparently the St. Paul police department was really bored last night because they gave me a $25 ticket for parking too high on a patch of dirt outside my apartment building. Who knew that was a big deal around here?!

I am just having a really good day. Yesterday was fun, today has been fun, hopefully tomorrow will be fun, and I'm going down and hanging out with the parental units on Sunday to relax and get away for a few hours. I have to work on one of my job applications Sunday with my mom. Not that I need her help, it's just that I really want this job so I'm going to have her proofread and give me ideas of how to make it better, etc... The job is 6 months working at the British Museum helping curate for a project while the regular curator is on maternity leave. How amazing would that be to live in London for 6 months. So yeah, I really want this job and all the material for it is due by email on Monday by noon.

So that's about all that's going on with me these days. Just hanging out doing my thing doing my thing just one year older. The only thing that would make this birthday better is if I found a nice guy that I actually like to take me on a date. I'm confident that that will happen someday. Someday a guy will come along who is not put off by my often eccentric nature and independence and take me for who I am, a crazy graduate from Luther Seminary who takes life one day at a time and holds nothing back. What you see is what you get my friends. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble but that's just the way it goes.

I want to end by saying thank you all for being you and being my friends. You all make life so much more interesting than it would be. Thank you and love you all.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Fun Quote from Early Church History class with Skip Sundberg

“But if that is not enough for you, you Devil, I have also shit and pissed; wipe your mouth on that and take a hearty bite.”
quoted in Oberman, Luther, p. 107
I"ll write a new blog later today, I just had to share this with you all now.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Do you ever...

Do you ever find yourself pissed off for no reason? Do you ever wonder what would happen if you randomly disappeared for a while? Would anyone notice? Or better yet would anyone care? Do you ever really want something you know you'll never get/have?

Do you ever find yourself sublimely happy and can't explain why? Do you ever have so much fun with others that you don't want the night to end? Do you ever find yourself asking why these nights don't happen more often? And of course the most obvious question of all...

what's next?

I wonder about all these things. I have experienced all these things. It is strange I know but sometimes one needs to ponder questions like these. Whenever I do, I end up realizing what is and who are truly important in my life and the rest of the mundane bullshit seems to fall away. For one clear instance, I am able to understand what life is all about and then it all gets muddled up again with mundane craptacularness. But I suppose that is the way things go.

I am not a patient person, so waiting to be able to take the next step has been hard for me. I just want to take it and worry about the rest later. I'm too impulsive sometimes. Anyway, I'm getting off track...

I ponder these questions when I am stressed, when I am waiting, and when I realized that I have missed out on an opportunity due to whatever reason. I also ask these questions when things are looking up, like when I have a moment of pure happiness for no apparent reason. I just wonder if other people ask questions like these too.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

More random thoughts...shock surprise

Ok, I'm much calmer now than when I wrote my last post. See I told you I would be more hopeful in my last post and I am. Today has been a great day so far. I went to the Seminary and sat in the class I TA for for an hour, getting annoyed by the fact that everything is taken out of its own context and compared to Luther. It was a pretty good discussion though. Then I met with Haemig and told her I wanted to know where I could find the extra information her and Farag asked me to put in my thesis, and was able to laugh to myself because she couldn't find it herself, but gave me some suggestions as to "possible" places I could look. Pretty ironic don't you think. After lunch I ran into Jane, Doug, and Amanda and we went up to Doug's room and watched the movie "Running with Scissors". Want to see a fucked up movie based on someone's personal memoirs, see this. This was followed by good conversation and just general relaxing fun. Now I am back at my apartment in the process of deciding what I want to eat for dinner.
Today has been a good day so far and tonight is bowling time, WOOHOO!!!! I love bowling, even though I'm not good at it. Who cares as long as your having fun, right? And I was reading my friend's post, which made me smile because there are only 26 days of classes left.

Of course there are plenty of things I have to get done in those 26 days as does everyone else. I have made a list, because I like lists and if I don't have twenty strategically placed throughout my apartment and school stuff I forget to do something. For example, before next Friday I have to go to the DMV to renew my license because I'm turning old. Tomorrow I have to hunt down one of the two TA's for Confessions and finish my reciting which is just Holy Communion and the Keys. I have to finish my thesis revisions and turn it into the library before May 15. I have to do my loan exit counseling. See plenty of things to do school wise in the next 26 days.

I also have to get a job. I've been looking and applying and will keep doing so until I have a job. Sadly it will probably end up being some crap desk job for a while until I get some more work experience, but that's ok because I truly believe things will work out in the end. I will win the day and do the work I was born to do, write books and produce documentaries on the history of the Christian Church. To many who will be reading this blog, this may sound very lame, but I don't care, it is awesome and when I finally reach my goal I will be able to wake up every morning and actually enjoy going to work and what I do.

Today has been a good day and tonight will be tons of fun going bowling.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Feeling a little better and ready to raise some hell...

I've been sick the past few days which has totally stunk. I have also had alot of time to think about what happened on Monday with my thesis "conversation" (yeah right, conversation my ass), and I'm feeling a little upset about the result. They decided to approve me with revisions, whatever the fuck that means. So I have decided to fight back. There are somethings worth fighting for and most of the time with this whole process I have taken it, bitched about it, but did it anyway.

I let my advisor tell me what I was going to write about, I even used the outline she wrote for me and I wrote about everything that was on that outline. Now she and my second reader are telling me how I should have written it; well fuck them. I say hell no to that. If they are going to get me to bar myself in the library again for their revisions then they are going to have to do better than the fact that they would have included the information in their paper if they would have written it. Well they didn't fucking write it I did. I included the information I thought was necessary to prove my point. I even asked all of the five other people who read my thesis if I accomplished what I set out to do in an organized and informative way and all replied yes.

But apparently because I left out some information Haemig and Farag would have included if they had written the paper, I now have to hide away in the library again looking through tons of books to find one that might give me the information they are looking for me to add. This is bullshit to the millionth degree and I'm not going to put up with it anymore. I've been fucked over too many times by Haemig, this is the last straw. I'm going to meet with her tomorrow and point blank ask her for a real reason, aside from the fact that I didn't include information she thought I should have in it because it is information she would have included, to why I have to do this. I'm not spending the next two weeks in the library because I didn't write my paper or include information as she would have if she wrote my thesis. This is not her goddamn paper it is mine and I'm not letting anyone no matter who it is take that away from me. I didn't spend the entire month of March, alienating my friends and family, living and breathing my thesis to be told that it's not good enough because it's not written the way someone else would have written it. I gave up too much for that to be the end conclusion.

I am tired of being pushed around and getting crapped all over. So now, I am going to raise some hell and fight back, even if I lose, I'm still going to fight because I don't want to be taken advantage of anymore. I would rather fight and lose than sit back and be completely disrespected more than I already have been.

P.S. My next post will hopefully be more positive than this one is, but right now I just need to vent.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Back to the Drawing Board...

My brother left today to head back to film school in Florida, and life seems a little more dull now that he is gone again.

Now everything is continuing on as before and I'm back to the drawing board. I spent a little over two hours yesterday afternoon getting ready for my thesis defense tomorrow. Two pastor friends of mine graciously agreed to read my thesis and meet with me to help prepare me for my discussion. I think it went well, and they told my mom that they thought I was more than ready for tomorrow, which is good to know.

Last night I went to see the movie Grindhouse with Ralph. It is so freaking weird, that it is great. It is one of the most bizaare movies I have seen in a long time, which is why I like it so much, especially the first movie, Planet Terror. Robert Roderigez and Quentin Tarrantino are fucking crazy. I love it. But now I have lost my movie going buddy again until he comes back to visit in July. It's just not as fun to go to the movies without my brother unit, because we have crazy discussions about the movie before and afterwards, what we liked about it and what we would have changed and if we were to make a movie what it would be about, etc, etc.... We're kind of nerdy like that.

Ralph also knows how to calm me down when I get too worked up over something stupid. Most people just try and tell me to calm down or try to be supportive, but Ralph, he just tells me to stop being dumb and that it's not a big deal and to get over it. He then tells an amazingly funny joke that makes me laugh for a long time and everything is ok after that. I'm going to miss that.

For example, yesterday as we were driving up to see Grindhouse in Lakeville, I was telling Ralph about this guy who I consider a friend of mine at school, and how I don't understand why this person can't figure out what to say to me and the fact that this person always seems to be extremely uncomfortable around me. I don't know if this makes any sense but it is the best way to describe what happens whenever there is a group of people hanging out and we both happen to be there. This guy acts like he wants to talk to me but he doesn't know what to talk to me about. Here's a helpful hint: just start talking and see where the conversation leads us. So I told all this to my brother Ralph and he just looked over at me and said, "I don't get what the big deal is. I don't pay attention to that kind of stuff, so really, does it even matter?" I thought about it for a second and replied, "no, actually it really doesn't." I was making a big deal out of something that doesn't even matter.

But now I have to try and focus on finishing up school and getting a job, which is hard to do right now, especially the giving a crap about school part. When I am done being over-dramatic about my brother leaving, I'll get back to work. Right now, I just feel like watching some crappy cable TV and taking a nap.

Monday, April 2, 2007

What does it all mean?!

I find myself these days pondering many things, among them the ever present question of what does it all mean. I mean let's get real people, I'm not exactly the typical seminary student. I have an issue with authority for one; I am still skeptical about organized religion in general; and I am a bit of a feminist. I've even been told by some friends that I am on the extreme side of being a feminist. So what the hell possessed me to enroll at Luther Seminary and spend thousands and thousands of dollars to get my MA in Church History? Beats the hell out of me. If anyone can provide an answer for me, I'm more than willing to listen. I do not regret my decision, I just find myself, since I'm near the end, asking myself this question quite often these days.

Some may say it is my calling, to which I would agree; but then why am I even more skeptical about organized religion? Is it my education or my ignorance? I don't know, maybe it's both. Either way, I just find it interesting to think about. I also find myself pulling away a bit from everything. I do this because I know I will be leaving to start a new life adventure soon, and I have never been very good at saying good-bye, especially regarding those I have come to care about and deeply respect as my friends/family.

Also, any advice on how to tell someone you like them? Anyone? Bueller? I figure what have I got to lose at this point. I either come off too bold and scare the person away or I'm too subtle and they don't have a clue. Figures. So any advice is greatly welcomed on this point.

Ok, back to the point, which is what does it all mean? What will I say about my years at Luther Seminary when I am old and gray? Is determining a purpose for the things we do completely left up to retrospection? I find that I learn the value of life experiences after they have occurred, both good and bad; but is there the possibility of knowing why we do things while we do them? I don't know if this makes any sense, but hopefully someone will understand what the hell I'm talking about and give me their own insight on the question.

Being the nerdy nerd that I am, I like to think about these kinds of questions whenever I make a transition in my life. I believe most people do this as well, which makes them nerdy nerds right along with me. So I believe that we should all stand up and proudly proclaim our nerdiness together and continue to ask the question "what does it all mean?" every once in a while, at least for the purpose of stimulating conversation.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Feeling kind of lazy...

The weather outside is frightful, and in my apartment is so delightful (except that it really needs to be cleaned thoroughly and I'm too lazy to do it today), so it's been hard to get up and do anything today. I've spent most of the day reading and taking naps, not moving a whole lot from my bed. This is the first weekend in a month that I have been able to truly relax. I don't really know what to do with this new found freedom.

Still there are things I would like to do today. For example, I would like to get over to the seminary and use God's gym, since I didn't go yesterday. I also need to go out and buy my mom a card for her birthday and something else to go with it. What that something else is going to be, I have no idea. She's almost as hard to shop for as Ted. I thought women were supposed to be easier to shop for, but what do I know.

So now I am trying to get ready to actually do something today and it's not going very well. I told a friend yesterday that I would stop by and hang out sometime today after I get done at the gym, but I don't really feel like going anywhere. But if I don't go anywhere this afternoon, then by tonight, I'll be so bored with myself and want to go out and do something and no one else will want to. But at the same time, it's nice to be able to sit around and relax and not have to worry about getting something important done right away. So what is one to do in this situation? Do I go out and face the busy world, or do I stay in and do things on my own time and just finally relax? I think today I am leaning towards staying in and not being opposed to going out if someone calls and wants to do something. Decisions, decisions. They are hard to make when a person is feeling kind of lazy.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Finally Broke Free

I have finally broken free of my month of confinement in prison, aka The Library. Yesterday with my friend Karen, I handed in my hard copies of my thesis. I am officially done with this leg of the race. Now on to the next part which is my conversation and submission of the final product to the library. But I'm not as worried about this part because I am more than ready to defend my thesis.

In other news, I am feeling much less stressed now. My next project is to finish memorizing the Small Catechism and the Articles of Confession and get that reciting done asap so I don't have to think about it anymore. I am also throwing myself back into the job hunt now that I have more time to really put into it. I am determined to have a job lined up for after graduation.

Last night I went to a movie just for shits and grins. I went to see Reign Over Me. Fabulous movie. If you haven't seen it, what are you waiting for? It's really good. So is 300. I like going to the movies in the middle of the week. It helps to calm me down and allows me to escape from the monotony of everyday life for a few hours. Because life does become monotonous when you've spent the last month pent up in prison (the Library), feeling alienated from everyone, all your friends and family. I don't think I've felt that lonely in a long time. I think that is why I become so obsessed with a project while I'm doing it. I know I have to get it done and done well and I can't have any distractions. Now that I have finally broken free, I realize how lonely I was and how much I missed out on with my friends and family. I suppose sacrifices must be made at time, but when does it go to far? I'm still working on that part. Someday I hope I can relax more.

Monday, March 26, 2007

back to prison and other random thoughts

I decided to get out of town for a bit this last weekend and went to the parental units house and hung out. Sadly I had to come back last night because I have a billion things to do this week and will be spending a ton of time in prison, aka the library, aka Luther Seminary in general. But I am feeling more confident due to my brief escape that I will be able to make it through this week without killing or doing physical harm to anyone, which is a very good thing. I may get close to doing it, but I feel I will be able to restrain myself better now.
But this weekend was nice. I went down to Northfield on Saturday and had lunch with my one of my best buds Michelle and then just hung out watching crappy cable tv. Sunday I hung out some more and watched basketball and golf with the parental units and just relaxed. I didn't do any school work at all except for some revisions to my thesis. It was really nice. Unfortunately, now I have to scrabble today and part of the day tomorrow to get my Early Church History midterm done. I only have one essay done out of 6, doing the math I have 5 left. It won't be too hard, I just don't have the motivation to do it. So I am forcing myself to go back to prison today to get it done. I hope to spend some time outside today as well because it is freaking nice out. WOOHOO!!! spring is finally here.

Friday, March 23, 2007

don't know what to write here...

Ok so I'm done with my rough draft of my thesis. I still need a conclusion, but I'll deal with that when I am done with my revising. I met with Haemig today about my thesis. Over two weeks ago, no actually longer, I sent her the first ten pages of my rough draft, and I didn't get any comments on it till today. She of course tore it apart, which is good because I want to do a good job, but seriously, I only have a week to get the final product to her, Farag and Diane Jacobson. Really, she couldn't have gotten her ideas to me earlier?! I'm just a little annoyed. Besides having to work on revising my thesis, I have to finish my Early Church History mid-term for Tuesday night's class. Sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole and wish this all to go away. Sadly that is not the case, and so for the next few days I will be busy working on all of this stuff. I just want to be done. I can't take the sight of this place anymore. I feel suffocated. I need to get away.

This is what large amounts of stress do to me. I become super negative about everything and asocial. I don't want to be this way. I hate being this way. Too much change at one time stresses me out and too much is changing right now. I know I'll get through it and be a stronger person when it's all done and over, but seriously, I can't help but ask, am I there yet?

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

SUCCESS!!!!!!!

That's right folks. Today as of 3:13pm, I successful completed my rough draft of my thesis. To begin to tell you how relieved I feel that I only have revisions to do is beyond my muddled vocabulary right now since my brain is pretty much mush. And since my brain is no longer able to function properly today, I am going to stop writing and go treat myself to some Subway. Just wanted to share the awesome news with you all. SUCCESS!!!! And that my friends is how I am sticking it to the man, by succeeding when he tried to keep me down.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

bagels with Carb Freedom peanut butter...

Today I woke up late and haven't even taken a shower yet. I'm feeling worn out and I lack the energy to do anything. So I got up finally and made myself a toasted bagel and spread some Carb Freedom Skippy peanut butter on it, and poured myself a glass of milk. Then I sat down at my computer and checked my email and am now writing this blog.
I really don't like this feeling of barely being able to move because of sheer exhaustion. I shouldn't be tired either. I got plenty of sleep last night and even slept in. What is my problem? But now I am up, which is good and am trying to get my ass in gear so this will be a productive day. Well what's left of it anyway. And I think making my bagel with Carb Freedom peanut butter with a glass of milk on the side has helped tremendously.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Music: the light of my life...

I'm sitting in my office and a song came on the radio and I feel a sense of calm that I haven't felt in days. I love those songs that just get under your skin and make you feel at ease no matter what is going on in life at the moment. That is why whenever I go to the library to work on writing I always bring good music that soothes me to listen to. There is nothing better than a great song that grips your soul and allows you to use your imagination to think beyond this world.

And of course, right after this great song, they play a crappy one.

Figures...

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

25 pages done, 25 more to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have 25 pages done of my thesis and have 25 more to go!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am half-way done and have five chapters almost complete. After my stint in the Reformation Resource Center tomorrow I will be done with chapter 5 and working on chapter 6. I am so totally excited. I'm hoping to get a chapter done a day. I should be done with my very very very rough draft no later than Monday. WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then I only have to edit it a thousand times and turn it in and I'm done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you tell I'm excited?!... Anyway, after my somewhat depressing previous blog, I felt the need to shed some light on the situation and share something good that is going on in my life as of this moment. Peace Out.

Am I too skeptical??!!

I was reading a friends blog today. This person's blog was about how blessed they were and how thankful they were for everything they had. I found myself thinking, "Good for them", not in a mean way, but in genuine happiness for this person.

Then I thought about what I am appreciative for. There was definitely not the same enthusiasm as my friend.

And then I began to wonder why this was? I have always been skeptical in regards to the word happiness. Happiness, feeling blessed can seem fleeting in the everyday bustle of life. These are good emotions to have, to feel, but to put one's whole self into them can lead to possible disappointment. I have felt blessed many times in life and I have been shit on by some of the people closest to me. I have been greatly scarred but also lifted up and helped to stand on my own to feet. Having seen and experienced the things I have in life, I can't help but be skeptical about the word happiness. I also can't help but wish I was more optimistic as my friend is.

Someday, maybe I'll be able to find a more equal balance between optimism and pessimism in my life. Maybe I will someday be able to put aside my skepticism and be more appreciative of what I have. I am truly working on it. I have been working on this part of myself for a long time. But then something happens and I am glad that I am a skeptical bitch sometimes.

So what's the point of all this? The point is, is that I am a skeptical person, I am also optimistic at times. I am both; this is who I am. I am not ashamed of who I am, how far I've come in bettering myself over the years. Therefore when I confront optimism coming from my friends or family, I will give thanks that there is happiness for that person. But as for myself and my own life, I always finding myself wondering if it is for real

Monday, March 12, 2007

Papers papers papers

Today I decided to take my time going to school since I don't have classes on Mondays yet. Taking my time actually means working on a paper that is due tomorrow which is supposed to be 9-10 pages long. I was going to go to the library earlier today and work on it there but I feel that the library has turned into my place to work on my thesis and therefore it is hard for me to do other work there. I know this sounds strange.
Fucking neighbors. They always slam their damn door shut and it is really starting to piss me off to the point I want to go and yell at them to learn how to close a door properly. But probably never will.
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, that's right, I am working on my final paper for Eusibius class that is due tomorrow. So far so good. I have 7 pages done, only two more to go. I figure if I get about a paragraph on page nine I'll be good to go. When I am done with this paper, I am finally going to get ready for the day and head to school. Sometimes it is just nice to slowly work on something and relax instead of feeling rushed and stressed out. At least I am able to work this way on this paper. Other papers, well that's another matter all together.
Soon I'll be done with the big one and I'll be much more pleasant to be around. I am so looking forward to that day, I can not even express it is words, which is shocking. But for now, it's all about papers papers papers.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Is sleep overrated???

I'm sitting in the library again and I can't seem to concentrate. I'm trying to work on my thesis but I'm just too damn tired. I spent all night last night staring at my ceiling, which was fun for a while but then I just got annoyed by a smudge that I had never noticed before. I could have cleaned it but I was too tired to move. Yet I couldn't fall asleep. So now I am sitting in the library trying to be productive but my mind is just not working at full speed today. Hopefully after I eat lunch I'll wake up a bit and get a few more pages done. Well, other than my extremely exciting existence in the library not a whole hell of a lot is going on so I'll stop rambling now.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

10 pages done, 40 or so left to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I went to the library and got a productive bug up my ass and wrote 10 pretty quality pages of my thesis. I'm sure there are grammatical errors but I don't give a shit. I've got 10 pages freaking done dudes!!!! Now I have only 40 or so left to go and I'm done!!!!!!! Just have to revise and edit (don't these mean the same thing? hmmm?) and I can turn the fucker in. WOOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You think I'm excited now. Wait till tomorrow when I have twenty or twenty-five pages done. Then there will be some excitement. Better get back to being productive. Later y'all.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

First page done, 49 more to go...

DUDES!!!!!!!, I just finished my first page of my thesis. Only 49 or so more to go. WOOHOO!!!!!!!

Monday, March 5, 2007

Awesome Discovery...

I discovered something awesome today. My friend Krista Anderson showed me the light, the right way, the divine path. She showed me how to use and where to find MA thesis templates on the library website. It is amazing. All I have to do is type and everything is formatted for me. I have never had this experience before. And I got to share it with a friend which is even better. Now I really will be able to write a good thesis in the next few weeks now that I don't have to worry about formatting and all that jazz.
I just had to share this amazing news with everyone. I am just so excited about this. Things are going to be so much easier now. I might actually have extra time now to catch up in my reading for classes. Fat chance!!!
The snow was fun last week and Saturday I ended up hanging out with two of my best friends that I hadn't seen in a while. We went to dinner and then went out dancing. It was nice.
And I was able to go down to Northfield yesterday and spend the day hanging out with my parental units. I love going down there on Sundays. It is just so relaxing, even though I had to read for my Early Church Literature class.
So to end this blog, I want to remind all of you about my awesome discovery today which I mentioned at the beginning of this blog. And to share my relief with all of you fine people. Au revoir mes amis for now.

Saturday, March 3, 2007

How much is too much...

Sometimes I find myself biting off way more than I can chew. I get myself involved in too many things, have too high of expectations for myself and others, etc...
For example, tonight I was invited to a friend's apartment for her annual "hot" party. What is this "hot" party you may be asking yourself? My friend Tessa turns up the heat in her apartment and everyone comes dressed in summer clothes and hang out, eat, drink, and be merry.
Then a few days ago, one of my best buds called and wanted to go to dinner tonight. This dinner would be with some of my closest friends who I haven't seen in over a month, so I couldn't say no. But to be perfectly honest, all I really want to do today is go to the library until it closes and read through my thesis sources till my eyes feel like they are going to pop out of my head and then come home, get into pjs and watch movies.
But I am not going to do that because I have plans; plans which will be fun and plans which will allow me to see people I haven't seen in a long time. So really, sometimes I find myself biting off more than I can chew, but in this case, it will work out for the better.