I am the most indecisive person I know...

Ok, here it is. I have yet again found myself questioning my choices for the future. Sometimes it is good to have a plethora of choices to choose from at other times like now it is not so good. Today I received news of a slight road block in my application to start school again in January and it got me thinking a lot about what to do next. Clearly there is a simple solution around this road block, but instead I find myself looking at it, asking myself if it is worth the trouble, and realizing a different answer.
So I called the one person I knew who could talk me through this hiccup, my mom. I told her I had been rethinking why I was applying for a degree in Pastoral Care, not because I don't think I can do it, but more because I feel so strongly that I am not completely done with my studies in history. So she said this to me: "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I could not answer her. But in the end I did answer with this sidebar comment, which didn't mean anything when it came out of my mouth but then seconds later became realized. I said: "I just don't want to go through two more years of school studying pastoral care counseling and realize I really don't want to do that, but going through the four years of a PhD program in historical studies, I know I wouldn't regret because I have loved and will always love history." So there, I answered my own question.
So I have finally bitten the bullet; I can no longer deny it. I am destined for PhD work no matter how hard I have fought against it. I don't have the strength to fight anymore. God has kicked the crap out of me for the last time on this subject; I have given in completely. No more fear of not being smart enough for it. No more fear of all the hard work I will put into it. No more fear. I am powerless to stop what must be done. And therefore I have pulled out of the Pastoral care degree and am instead devoting free time towards researching different seminary's Church history programs and admission requirements. I have not begun filling anything out yet but will have to start that process soon.
The only thing I feel at odds about is the fact that I was so passionate in my resolve to return to Luther Seminary to study pastoral care and work with young adults. Perhaps I jumped the gun a little bit by applying and telling everyone what I was going to do. Maybe I should have kept it to myself, but then again, I really am serious about working with "emerging" adults. But now instead of making a career out of it, I can devote myself to this endeavor in other ways. And instead of putting my love of history on the side line, I will now be able to research and teach my passion for the rest of my life. I can devote myself to two things. One I already do every day anyway. The last two days I have been providing pastoral care to one of my bosses at The Limited. She is going through a transitional period in her life, leaving The Limited to start a new job somewhere else and has a lot of things on her mind. I have been a good listener and every once in a while interject with a comment or two. Pastoral Care is something I can do every day with anyone.
History is something I can do everyday too, and it is something I want to do everyday. It is something I want to study, teach and share with the whole world because it is important even though many people I know don't particularly care for it. History tells us where we have come from, where we are and where we are headed in the future. Without history we wouldn't know half of what we know now. Yes it is a bunch of dates and names but it is so much more than that as well, and that right there is what I want to spend the rest of my life showing the world. History does matter!!! I want to write it, research it, teach it, live it, breath it. It is who I am, what I am meant to do.
So for everyone who I am confusing with my several changes of heart in the past months I apologize. I do not regret any of my decisions, but instead embrace them because they have finally led me to accept and acknowledge my life's work, which God has been trying to tell me all along but I have stubbornly ignored because I didn't want to face the reality for some reason, more than likely out of fear. Fear can keep a person from doing many things, in my case it has weighed me down with doubt which I gave myself over to briefly. Fear of the "real" world, in which I don't fit in (rather I belong in the world of academia) led me to doubt my calling briefly. But I am aware again of my calling to profess the history of our church for future generations and am taking the necessary steps towards being able to accomplish this goal; PhD program research at seminaries across the country and filling out the necessary forms and sending in the necessary data required by the schools I choose to apply to.
I swear, I am seriously the most indecisive person I know... but somehow, someway, I know deep down inside that my new course of action is truly the right one for me and that nothing else would ever make me feel like I am fulfilling my purpose as God has given me to fulfill.