Life from September to, well, Now...

Sorry all that I've been out of the loop for a while; like since September.  I'll spare you the gory details because, well, frankly, I'm tired of going through them over and over again in my head and talking about them.  I will tell you this, there may possibly be a light at the end of the crap tunnel also known as my academic career at Luther Seminary.  Again, I don't want to say too much because nothing may happen, but I think I may finally have found a guiding light in the form of a professor who I never thought to ask for help.  Praise God for putting people right in front of us who are awesome in times of need. 

I will also tell you that besides my academic nightmare, life is pretty fantastic.  Jason and I are engaged and getting married September 4, 2010 at Richfield Lutheran Church, in Minnesota.  I will be bugging all of you in the near future of addresses for save the date cards and invitation sending.  Please feel free to flood my email or facebook inbox with your address anytime.  The sooner the better.  I even went out and bought an address book so I won't have to keep asking people for their addresses over and over again (sorry about that Anita and Veronica.  And sadly, I think I may need you both to send me your addresses again, just in case.)  Seriously, I'll get my act together someday. 

Work wise things are going well.  I'm looking for a part time job to supplement my office job.  So far no call backs, but I'm trying to stay optimistic, if only to keep from crawling into a dark hole of despair.  I've already done that in the past few months with my education, don't need to do it elsewhere in my life. 

I'm heading out to Williamsburg, Virginia for Christmas to spend a few short days with my sister and her family.  I think it has been over a year since I've seen my nephew and niece.  I'm super excited!  I'll finally have an updated picture of them that I can show off to people.  YAY!!!

I am very excited about the future.  Though I will still be in transition for a while, I am strangely (and completely out of character for me) optimistic about life.  Hmmm...interesting how that happens sometimes.

Until next time...stay tuned.

Motivation??? What is that???

I am sitting in the library at Luther Seminary listening to Blue Foundation "Eyes on Fire."  The first time I heard this song, unbeknown to me was when Carrie convinced me to go see the movie "Twilight".  The second time I heard it was on "So You Think You Can Dance" when Kayla and Kapuno danced a beautifully eerie dance to it that still makes me stop in awe whenever I see it.  I don't know what it is about this song but every time I hear it I am overcome with emotion.

Lately I've been having a hard time getting motivated to do anything regarding my academic life.  I have a great paper topic for my only class this semester, which will put application to Paul Tillich's theology regarding sin, evil, suffering, and the Cross; basically all of Systematic Theology, vol. 2.  When I should be reviewing sources I already have read or researching other materials, I find I'd rather just sit and read a fiction book or my TIME magazine.  This has been a very disappointing semester for me.  Even more so than last spring.  I feel like I am not working towards anything.  Every fiber in my being is aching, reaching out for some actual historical study.  And I'm not talking about History of Christian thought.  I'm talking about hard core, no holds barred history. 

So instead of working on things for class at the library today I have taken this opportunity to hang out in the section where the library houses the literature on the Crusades.  And I have been reading that all afternoon and I am slowly coming out of the dark pit that I have been in all semester.  The pit is deep and I don't know how long it will take to crawl out of it.  I have been going through the motions since September with little motivation to go to the library when I have time, preferring to go home straight after work and watch my TV programs or read whatever fiction literature I happen to be reading at the time.  I actually sit at my computer in the office at the house with a book I checked out from the library that is entirely in German so I can work on translating so I can finally pass the stupid language exam and a half an hour goes by with me just sitting there trying to get myself to actually start translating.  This is ridiculous. 

I have known since the beginning of this school year that something is amiss.  It doesn't bother me that I'll have to stick around an extra year to complete the MTh here at Luther, but I have continuously asked myself since September if I want to.  Is this something I should really be doing with my life?  I hate the idea of having accrued more student loan debt and not getting anything out of it.  But is it really worth staying when my heart is not in it anymore?  And where would I go if I don't continue?  What can a historian with only a Masters of Art degree do, who has much academic experience but not much work experience? 

Ugh...I love history.  Being a historian is my vocation, but sometimes I wish I could have been more mathematically or mechanically minded, or that I didn't care as much and would be satisfied with just any job, just to pay the bills.  But I'm not mathematically or mechanically minded.  I'm not satisfied with just any job; trust me, I've tried it and slipped into such deep depressions during that time.  I am a historian and because of it, I know I will have to face much adversity, being that there are drastically dwindling places for historians who do not have PhDs to find employment.  Is it worth it?  Absolutely!  Is it worth staying at Luther Seminary another year to complete the MTh program?  Not sure anymore.  But I'm sure I'll come up with an answer very soon
So stay tuned...

SNOW?! Whatever. I Live in Minnesota.

Today I woke up to a bunch of white stuff floating in the air, hanging out on the trees in our front yard, and covering the ground.  It is October 12, 2009.  Usually I would prefer the snow to stay away at least until the end of October, but apparently it decided to come a little too early this year.  But seriously people, we live in the upper Midwest.  If you can't handle crazy extremes in weather, you probably shouldn't be living here. 

I used to be someone, and sometimes still am depending on the day, who complains about the weather; but for whatever reason, I'm not too upset about the weather outside.  Today would have been a great day to go to somewhere that has a lot of windows and is cosy, maybe even has a fireplace and watch the snow fall, have a hot cocoa and read a book or magazine. 

I am at work though, which in a way is kind of cool because the clouds are so low right now, that I am among them.  I have written about this before, and it never ceases to amaze me how awesome it is when I look out the windows.  Unfortunately my office is an interior office, but I take every opportunity I can to go walk around and check out the view.  Someday I'll remember to bring my camera and take a picture so you all can really see what I'm talking about. 

I'm still thinking about going somewhere after work to finish up the reading for my class tomorrow.  I wouldn't have much time though because HOUSE is on tonight at 7pm and frankly, besides cleaning the snow off my car, if it hasn't already melted, I don't really want to drive anywhere.  So it looks like I'll be staying home tonight, curling up in Jason's chair he is letting me use while he's on internship this year, and reading as much of Paul Tillich on God in vol. 1 of his Systematic Theology as I can.  Who knows?  We might actually have a 30 minute discussion again tomorrow before the mind-numbing lecture begins.  Here's to hoping. 

In the meantime, I'm going to go hang out in the lobby for a little bit, watch some CNN which is on the TV in there, and stare out the window for a bit at the snow.  Because come on... SNOW?!  Whatever.  I live in Minnesota!

What I Should Really Be Doing Right Now...

Instead of doing what I should really be doing right now, which is to read for my Tuesday class, I am blogging, and just hanging out at Borders in the cafe area.  I forgot how much fun it is to just go sit somewhere and read or putz online for a while.  For the longest time, my wireless internet was being funky and would not work anywhere I went.  For whatever reason, I figured out what was wrong (at least this time) and it is working now.  It is a needed distraction from the craptastically mind-numbing reading I have to do for Tuesday.  Reading Systematic Theology, even Paul Tillich's systematic theology straight, with no buffer reading like the last two weeks, is like watching paint dry; no it's even worse.  It's like sitting in the most boring class ever with nothing to do but listen to the lecture because your damn wireless doesn't usually work for whatever reason, so you stopped bringing your computer to class with you, so you can't putz online to distract yourself for the tedious rambling in the front of the room.  (Wink, Wink...not that I would know what that's like or anything ;))

Instead of staying home today and being distracted by the Vikings game (although I am slightly sad I missed most of it) I decided to go somewhere and work on reading for class/finally write something for my history blog.  The blog didn't go as well as I thought it would, but I didn't want it to be so long that no one would read it.  So I ended up summarizing a lot and pointing out only a few things out of the many I would have liked to.  Oh well, it is only the first one.  It will get better the more I do it. 

Right now I should be reading for class, like I stated before.  I don't know what my problem is.  I really just need to get offline and force myself to read the God section of Paul Tillich's Systematic Theology, vol. 1.  So that is what I'm going to do.  I'm going to get offline and start doing what I should be doing right now.

Busy, Busy, Busy...

You'd think with only one class this semester that I wouldn't be so busy.  Not true.  With one class, work, hip-hop dancing classes, which I start on Tuesday, working on German, and the general business of life, I have few moments of solitude.  It is hard to find time, and sometimes the motivation to sit down and update my blog, let alone necessary things that need to get done like laundry, grocery shopping, etc... and still have time to myself at the end of the day.

So today, I am going to attempt to relax and take advantage of the few moments of solitude I am blessed to have at this moment.  I have a laundry list of things I should do, like thoroughly clean my room and dust the office, grocery shopping, upload pictures from my trip to visit Jason last weekend, and on and on and on....  But today, I am probably just going to watch some football, read some for Tuesday's class, do a load of laundry and call it a day.

This week is going to be super busy and very fun.  Tomorrow I am going to see the movie FAME again with Karen, Tuesday I start hip-hop dancing class, Wednesday is the SYTYCD live tour with Karen and Erica, Thursday is German study group and Friday is Oktoberfest at Gastof's.  BOOYAH!!!  I am looking forward to it.  I better stockpile my energy today so I am fully charged for this week!  :)

Oh and I found out last night that Jason is coming to visit at the end of the month!!!  So excited! 
T minus 24 days in counting!

"Faith and Doubt."..

The following are not my own words, but as I was reading Paul Tillich's Dynamics of Faith I came across this gem and had to share it with you all.

"The risk to faith in one's ultimate concern is indeed the greatest risk man can run.  For if it proves to be a failure, the meaning of one's life breaks down; one surrenders oneself, including truth and justice, to something which is not worth it.  One has given away one's personal center without having a chance to regain it.  The reaction of despair in people who have experienced the breakdown of their national claims is an irrefutable proof of the idolatrous character of their national concern. In the long run this is the inescapable result of an ultimate concern, the subject matter of which is not ultimate.  And this is the risk faith must take; this is the risk which is unavoidable if a finite being affirms itself.  Ultimate concern is ultimate risk and ultimate courage.  It is not risk and needs no courage with respect to ultimacy itself.  But it is risk and demands courage if it affirms a concrete concern.  And every faith has a concrete element in itself.  It is concerned about something or some body.  But this something or this somebody may prove to be not ultimate at all.  Then faith is a failure in its concrete expression, although it is not a failure in the experience of the unconditional itself.  A god disappears; divinity remains.  Faith risks the vanishing of the concrete god in whom it believes.  It may well be that with the vanishing of the god the believer breaks down without being able to reestablish his centered self by a new content of his ultimate concern.  This risk cannot be taken away from any act of faith.  There is only one point which is a matter not of risk but of immediate certainty and herein lies the greatness and pain of being human; namely, one's standing between one's finitude and one's potential infinity."

Paul Tillich.  Dynamics of Faith.  HarperOne:  Harper Collins Publishers.  New York, New York.  1957.  20-21.

Absolutely brilliant.  After reading this, I had a good cry, because I immediately recognized these symptoms in myself and then continued reading.

That's all I have to Say about That...

Today was the first day back to classes at Luther Seminary.  I signed up to take Dr. Lois Malcolm's History/Systematics PhD Seminar on Paul Tillich.  This was not my first choice, but the class I was signed up for got canceled and so I decided on the Tillich seminar instead.  After sitting through the introductory class, I think I am going to get a lot out of it and am excited to learn more about this theologian I hear so much about but know so little of. 

The other thing I like about the class is that there are four people in the class I had seminars with last year.  Did I mention how awesome they are?  Well I'll just say it now; They Are Awesome!!!  P. S.  Pat, you really should sign up for this class.  I'm just saying.

I went to chapel today.  It included the installation of three professors (Congrats Dr. Granquist!  I gave a little cheer for my fellow historian during that part of the service)  and the go forth and prosper speech that is given at the beginning of each school year. 

Now I don't want to offend anyone, so I'm sorry if I do, but as I walked into the chapel my heart sank a little.  I looked across the chapel to the far side pews and part of me for whatever reason expected to see Big Brother Doug Holtz, Bob Bekkerus, Amanda Stamp, and a slew of other people who sat over in that area all last year.  I miss my class of 2009 homies.  It is the class I started this crazy seminary journey with and I miss you immensely.  It's just not the same without you.  I also miss many of the faces I would see who have now gone off to internship for the year.  And with that, I felt a strong sense that this has to be my last year at Luther Seminary.  My time is up.  It is time for me to move on. 

Which brings me to my next point.  I have begun the tedious and time consuming, all encompassing process of filling out PhD applications, again.  This time, hopefully I won't be in utter emotional destitution when it comes time to write my personal statement.  Crossing my fingers and saying a little prayer.  I have decided that I am applying to three schools:
University of Minnesota
University of Pennsylvania
Princeton Theological Seminary

I have chosen these schools because they seem to me to be the best fit for the area of history I intend to pursue scholarly work in, in the future.  I am excited to be done with the application process.  The most arduous part of the whole process is getting a hold of my transcripts from the various institutions I have attended in the past (the one down side of transferring schools half way through undergrad.)  I have not had trouble with this before, but it is such a pain in the ass.  And it ends up costing a good chunk of money as well.  But it is one of those necessary evils in life, if a person wants to continue with school at an institution they are not currently attending.

And now I think I am going to stop writing abruptly due to the fact that I have just written a short novel for you all.  That's all I have to say about that. 

My Ineptness Regarding Technology...

Yesterday I was tinkering around with my blog and ended up with a completely new format and colors, as well as new fonts.  Awesome, right?!  Well I enjoy it, now that I've looked at it a few times.  Before I went to work yesterday I was somehow able to figure out how to import my new blog entry to facebook, which would allow the person who clicked on it to be brought to my blog page and they could read on from there.  I have not been able to reduplicate this process for the life of me.  Ugh....to technology and my ineptitude! :(

This morning I said my last official good-bye for the summer.  Jason left today for his year long internship in Valpraiso, Indiana.  It pretty much sucks.  I know many many people who have had to spend years away from each other only getting to see each other once a month or every few months.  If they can do it, so can we.  I intended to spend the day in bed getting up only to do laundry, go to the bathroom, maybe eat something, but I'm not feeling hungry at all.  I was even thinking about dusting the entire house.  My room desperately needs to be dusted, so I might as well continue on from there.  Unfortunately that is not the case today.

I don't know if you remember me bitching earlier this summer, must have been June, about workers coming into the house around 9am and not doing their job and then leaving after only a few hours.  I probably didn't say exactly that, but something along those lines... Well they're back!  Because they couldn't do their job properly the first time and complete the original list of things that needed to be fixed on the house, which apparently wasn't given to them in full in the first place (thanks Brent, the reality guy!) they have come back for seconds.  Who knows how long they will be here this time.  If they actually have gotten their acts together, they might be gone in a month.  So instead of relaxing and sleeping all day because I'm sad, I get to listen to the fucking "Patriot" all day, which is their favorite radio station to listen to, and which drives me up a fucking wall.  There goes my dusting project for the day.

On a happier note, I get to see Anita again for a few days.  She flies in on Sunday and leaves Tuesday.  We are going to the State Fair Monday and seeing Jeff Dunham Monday night.  YAY!!!  In the words of Walter the Puppet, "I'm haaaaapy!"  But I actually mean it.

Count down till I get to see Jason again: 23 days

Summer is Over??? Already?? Weird.

Right now I am at the office.  Having finished all my work for the day and being that I don't get off till 5pm, I have decided to blog (and apparently in the passive voice.) 

I was thinking today about the fact that in one week from now, at 9am in the morning I will be sitting with my fellow post-graduates in class.  I will hopefully know whether or not I have passed my German exam so I can start officially working on my thesis.  Man, I better have passed that thing, otherwise I'm screwed. :( 

I have done a lot of travelling this summer, spending countless hours in the car with Jason and with others, travelling all over the Midwest for friends' ordinations.  It has been a wonderful summer.  Unfortunately it is coming to an end, yet at the same time I am looking forward to finishing up my last class at Luther Seminary and getting ready to move on.  I am also excited about going back to the Holy Land, but I'll expound on that another time. 

I have also had to say many good-byes to people I have come to know and love.  As my good friend Veronica has said many times, "With every good-bye, there is a hello."  I full heartedly agree, but good-byes still suck; ALOT!

Time for a Change...Or Maybe Not...

Today as I was attempting to update my blog on the latest happenings in my life, I spontaneously decided to "really" update my blog.  I chose a new format, which has a brown background, which I can't seem to figure out how to change.  So now I have a ridiculously ugly blog.  If I'm stuck with a brown background, I might as well chose colors that make it even more ridiculous.  I was actually going to write about something substantial today.  Unfortunately I've wasted too much time trying to figure out how to change the damn background on my blog page, I am now out of time.  Here's to a crappy background to a truly updated blog...

Julie & Julia

Today was a particularly unexciting day. I woke up, talked to my friend Amber on the phone, got out of bed and got ready for work. I moved the garbage and recycling bins to the garage and the bottom half of my pants got soaked as I walked to the bus to go to work. Work was okay. The best part was staring out the window at the clouds going by. And since I work on the 48th floor of the building they were literally going by; I was among the clouds. It was not raining when I got off work, which was nice, so I didn't get soaked again walking to the house from the bus stop. I talked to my friend Michelle on the phone and my mom after work. See, not a particularly exciting day.

As you all know, I am a huge fan of cinema. I just love movies; the way a really good movie takes you into a completely different world for awhile. How a character can capture your heart, and a story bring you to a new understanding about life. Those are the really good movies.

Tonight I decided to take myself to a movie. I splurged and spent the $10 to go and see "Julie & Julia." It was so worth the money. It was entertaining, well acted, and it really got me thinking about life. About if you really put your heart and soul into something, you can do anything. How nothing comes easily but you have to earn it. And of course, never, ever give up on yourself, no matter what anyone else says or tries to get you to believe. It was a truly inspirational movie. Although I don't see myself trying to cook my way through Julia Childs cook book anytime soon, especially since I dislike cooking.

But what then can I do? Julie, the woman cooking her way through Julia Childs cookbook in the movie, was a gifted cook to begin with. She loved to cook. She also loved to write, and decided to write a blog about her adventures of cooking her way through Julia Childs cookbook. She inspired people with her determination and her goal. Could I do something similar? But what special gift do I have that could inspire people? And here I am stumped. The only thing I have ever been good at but don't particularly like to share with others very often (which is why I don't blog as often as I probably should) is writing. Unfortunately, whenever I blog I start out trying to come up with a theme, but end up failing miserably and writing about random thoughts that come to mind, or how my day was, or some other thing along those lines. Is that really inspirational? Probably not.

The movie just really made me think about abilities and talents that each one of us possess. And thank goodness they vary in each person. How absolutely dull this world would be if we all possessed the same talents and abilities!

I may not be the best writer, but I'm a damn good historical researcher and historian! Too bad, no one seems to care anymore about history! But it is what I do, who I am. Being a damn good historical researcher is my talent, my ability. So for now, blogging will just have to be a hobby, which hopefully someone will read someday and maybe be inspired by my words. Here's to hoping! :)

A Bit Sentimental I Suppose...

I really should be heading to bed right now. A few minutes ago, I put my head down on my desk and fell asleep, but promptly awoke because I was starting to get a crook in my neck. And yet, here I am, blogging at 11:30 at night because a thought came to me. It's one of those thoughts that come fleetingly and yet stay with you for several lingering moments afterward. My thought: "How strange it is, the road life takes us; the people we meet, the things we find ourselves doing that we never thought in a million years we'd do."

If you knew me in college, you would have never, ever thought I'd end up getting two masters degrees from a Lutheran seminary. You'd never thought, "I bet she's going to get a Masters of Art in the History of Christianity and a Masters of Theology in Islamic Studies and then go to another seminary to get her PhD in Medieval Church History with an emphasis in the early Crusades era in Palestine." Seriously, at that time, I would have never thought it either. But here I am, going into my second year of the Masters of Theology program at Luther Seminary, studying Islamic Studies, preparing to take the language exam at the end of the summer in German, and gathering all the materials I need to apply to other seminaries for my PhD in Medieval Church History.

It is absolutely shocking where life takes us, how we as children of God meander the many roads of life, towards our given vocations; some as pastors, some as lay leaders in the church and communities throughout the world, some as teachers and professors, others as lawyers, doctors, delivery workers, military men and women, etc., etc.

This thought process often comes to me at random, but most often when I run into, or catch up with someone I have not seen or talked to in a long time. It is exciting to see where their lives and vocations have taken them. It is fascinating to find out what has changed and what has stayed the same. As for myself, too much has happened for me to be the same person I was when I started college, too much joy and too much pain. And that is life. I like to say, "Life is just one shit storm after another, but every once in a while there is a clearing, a glimmer of hope upon the horizon, which we must cling to, hope and faith get us through it all somehow. And then the shit storm starts again after only seconds of relief, but we remember the clearing and smile."

Once Upon a Time...

Once upon a time in a land far far away called Northeast Minneapolis there lived a 27 year old Seminary student. She gave up trying to find a second part time job for the summer and is living very modestly on what she makes at her office job, which incidentally she found out on Thursday she will be losing in January, probably. On the plus side, she is finding many things to do over the summer to keep her busy. This includes but is not limited to: studying German in order to pass the language exam at the end of the summer, gathering the necessary materials for PhD applications that will be sent out in the fall, doing research for her thesis that she will be working on throughout the coming school year, saving money to return to the Holy Land in January 2010 with Luther Seminary and company, reading for fun, and hanging out with friends and her wonderful boyfriend Jason.

All in all a fun and busy summer.

And now from this point on I will be writing in the first person.

This last weekend I helped move one of my favorite people in the world and her family. The former Sarah Hartung, now Sarah Goldammer was the first person at Luther Seminary my first time around who invited me to do something outside of classes. We went and saw the Harry Potter movie that came out in the fall of 2005 and have been friends ever since. Thank you for taking a chance on me. You have no idea how much you changed my life and I will be forever grateful for it. I am excited to celebrate her ordination with her July 13th.

The people who are supposed to be doing work on the house may actually show up starting tomorrow again. I've gotten so used to them not being there, it will be hard to get back into the groove of getting up earlier than need be and get out of the house by 9 or 9:30 during the week. It will be nice to have them finally finish and get the hell out.

This past weekend has been wonderfully relaxing and I feel rejuvenated. I spent some quality time with my roommate Jen before she left for her travels to Myanmar. I am so glad she gets to go and experience all the awesome things she'll get to experience. I will miss her very much while she is gone, but she will be back in August sometime and I'll get to hear all about it, which I am very much looking forward to.

Last night, Jen, Doug, Dana and I went to the Stone Arch Bridge fireworks show in Minneapolis. It was a really good show and the company was wonderful. It is where I went the day I met Katherine Olson two years ago. I only shed a few tears and being surrounded by friends was great. I still miss you Katherine, but as the old adage goes, time does heal all wounds. Though some will never go away, the hurt will dull over time, to the point where on certain days, a moment of silence and reflection with help get one through the day. Overall a very good day! :)

Let's see, is there anything I haven't covered. Nope. Therefore I will pause for now. Until the next time, may your days be good and God be with you!

Holy Dude, It's been a while...

It's been so long since I last blogged I forgot I even had a blog. So much has happened since February that I don't even know where to begin. Therefore I have decided not to recap the last few months but just start with the recent past.

This last weekend, Memorial Day weekend, many of my friends graduated from Luther Seminary. I am so very proud of them all and wish them all the best in their respective ministries. It will be exciting to see where the future leads them all. Love you guys!!!

I recently started dating a wonderful man, who I am just crazy about. Never thought that would happen, but it has and I am so happy that God put this person in my life.

It is now the summer season, well at least in school lingo. I have had a hell of a time finding a second part-time job to go along with my office job for the summer. I intend to keep looking until I find something, but if I don't I have some contingency plans.

If I don't find a second job here are a few options for me to fill the time this summer:
1) Research PhD programs at various Seminaries and Universities in Medieval Church history/Medieval History
2) Continue researching for my thesis I will be writing all next school year
3) Work on German vocabulary and go to various study groups throughout the summer
4) Work on Arabic grammar and vocabulary
5) Go to friends ordinations
6) Find fun creative non-money spending things to do throughout the summer
7) Relax and read some books for fun!
8) Movies, movies, movies!

So yeah, hopefully I am able to find a second job, but if not, I have plenty of things to do to keep me occupied.

Oh, and I can update my blog more often too!

Shocking...

I know! This is my second post in two days. But I just had to share this with you all. Working on the 48th floor of a building is great. Today it is so foggy that I can not see out of the windows. It is just gray. It is extremely cool looking. I am currently among the clouds, which is an awe-inspiring feeling. Not sure why I felt the need to share this with you all. It is just really neat and I hope someday you all can experience it for yourselves.

My Fortress of Solitude...

As many of you know, I have my own personal Fortress of Solitude. I decided to spend the weekend there regrouping and getting ready for classes to start this week. I don't actually have a lot of classes. I only have class on Tuesday night and Friday afternoon until the second half of the semester when I pick up one more class on Tuesday afternoons. Anyway, that's not really the point.

Being an extreme introvert, having a fortress of solitude to escape to is essential for my mental stability. If I don't get enough alone time I get tired and irritated. I almost shut down in social situations if I don't get enough alone time. This is not good for anyone involved. Therefore, having a fortress of solitude is an important part of my life.

Another good thing about my fortress of solitude is that it is a great place to muse over life and the future. Most of the most important decisions I've ever made in my life have been made while at my fortress of solitude. And I over the weekend I have done just this exact thing. I've been thinking a lot about my next course of action in life, because frankly, I'm not exactly sure I like the way it's heading. I've felt this way since the end of fall semester which was right before Christmas and each day it nags at me more and more. So I am doing some research and talking to people and I have a few options that I'm pretty excited about. I'll let you know more when I have made my final decision.

Oh, and the last time I blogged I said I wanted to come up with a list of things I hope to accomplish this year 2009. Here they are in no particular order:

-Get a new job. (This has to do with my rantings above.)
-Go to California to visit my brother
-Go on a date with someone I actually like
-Move into a house or an apartment with "free" laundry facilities
-Sign up to take the Foreign Service exam to become a Foreign Service Officer (Also has to do with my rantings above.)
-Actually learn Arabic and keep up with all the other languages I know
-Have someone dictate my story (since every time I try to write it, I get frustrated because it seems so flat and lifeless) my part of a collective effort between myself and three close friends.
-Try to find peace with the past or at least begin to...this I may never fully accomplish, but it is something I can strive to do everyday, if for no other reason than to learn and become a better person from and through it.

So there it is...my list and rantings. I'll save the rest of my inner dialog for another day. I think what I have written will suffice for now.

January

I know I know. It's been over two months since I last blogged. Part of that time was devoted to finishing up classes for fall semester, which included but was not limited to, hundreds of pages of reading, several papers, and final papers + final Arabic exam. Then there was Christmas and then New Year's Eve. But really, there was plenty of time for me to sit down and write something. I just didn't know what to write about. Or maybe it was more like I just didn't feel inspired to sit at my computer and type something that would seem mundane and uninspired.

A year ago today, I was with a wonderful group of people from Luther Seminary and company in the Holy Land. I can't remember exactly where we were or what we were doing. For that I would have to refer back to my journal which is not with me right now. Currently I am visiting my fortress of solitude and freezing my ass off in what was my old room when I was growing up. My big girl bed is now used as a holding ground for mom's random things she has nowhere to put or just hasn't gotten around to finding a better place for. (Note to self: I need to get my big bed up to my place at some point. Probably when Karen and I move this summer.)

I've never really liked the month of January. It is a slow month and it takes me the entire month to stop writing the previous year on my checks and other random things I need the date for. I'm still writing 2008 on things. And no, I'm not a moron, it just takes me a while to get used to writing the new year. Which seriously people, should not be a problem since I have to write 2009 on things at work all the time. In fact just yesterday I typed in 2008 on a bunch of stuff and had to go back into the database and change it all. At least it took some time away from having to hear my boss suck loudly on his goddamn lifesavers. He might as well be standing right next to me and doing it in my ear, which sometimes happens. BOO!!! I don't need to hear people masticating their food or anything for that matter. Please for the love of all that is good in this world, chew with your mouth closed. Please, I'm begging you for my own sanity and for the sanity of others who can't stand it either.

Got to go change my laundry...be right back...

Ok back...I love how changing your laundry ends up taking 10 minutes, because you have to take it out of the dryer and fold it so it doesn't get wrinkled and then have to be forced to iron it so you don't look like shit when you finally wear that particular piece of clothing, and then if you are doing more than one load of laundry you have to put the stuff in the washer in the dryer and then before you know it, 10 minutes have passed in your life that you can never get back.

January. It is a slow and boring month. It has always been a hard month for me to get through for many reasons. At least in the summer months when I am bored and have nothing I particularly want to or need to do I can go for a walk and clear my head without getting frostbite and literally freezing my ass off. One of my goals this year is to save a bunch of money to go on a trip next January whether with Luther Seminary or just on my own to visit people. I think it is a worthy goal and one I am going to begin working on right away. I think my next post will be a musing on goals I want to have for the next few years, but specifically this year, 2009. If nothing else I will force me to update my blog instead of waiting another two months.