Sunday, November 3, 2013

I'm thankful for....

These are some things I am thankful for...

1) My most amazing husband Jason and son Preston. It's cheesy, but you both truly light up my life.

2) Wonderful family and friends, who are supportive and make me feel loved daily. I love you all too! To add to this, extremely supportive parishoners. They have been supportive of our family since we moved to Fairfield in June 2011, which is such a blessing.

3) My creative mind. Now I just need to create the creative space so I can be more productive.

4) My ability to adapt no matter where I am, at the moment.

5) A roof over my head, food to eat and clothes to wear.

6) A vehicle that runs so I can get out of Fairfield when I can't take it here anymore.

7) A bigger populated area within decent driving distance. (Great Falls is about 30-40 minutes depending on where you need to get to and how fast my lead foot gets me there.)

8) The ability to be able to stay home with my son and watch him grow into a smart, wonderful boy. Not many women get to do this, so I am extremely grateful that I have this opportunity.

9) My faith. It would be a very hard life, indeed without my faith in God's word for me.

10) Being forced to slow down and take a good look at what my calling in life is. This is such a hard thing to do. You have one thing in mind and then obstacles get in the way. For me it has changed several times over the course of my life and even more since moving to Fairfield. I have begun to realize that a person's calling or role in life changes throughout one's life. My role right now is to be a supportive wife and loving, encouraging mom. And I am starting to be okay with that. But it has taken me a long time to be okay with it. We are taught that we need to do it all. Be a supportive, loving wife and mother, as well as, contribute to the household income in some fashion or other. It's exhausting trying to make something happen that just isn't. There are no job opportunities for me in Fairfield and any job I'd get in Great Falls is just not worth it. I'd make enough money to pay someone else to raise my kid and that's about it. No thank you! I am not good at direct selling so I am not going to do it anymore and I have no desire to just have a job to have a job. At some point things might come to that, but right now, we are doing okay. We don't have the newest gadgets or the shiniest new vehicle, but who cares?! I have all the things listed above to be thankful for; the rest doesn't matter.

I have a lot to be thankful for these days. Everyday, I need to remind myself of this and praise God for blessing me with such wonderful gifts.




Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Anxiety, Anxiety, Please Go Away....

Lately, I have been feeling very anxious. I can't pinpoint the culprit of what is making me so anxious, either, which just compounds the problem. So I'm going to write and see if it helps.

In previous blogs, I've written about some of the things I'm starting to do in the little free time I have each day, for myself, as well as some of the activities I'm going to soon be involved in with the youth group at FLP (Fairfield Lutheran Parish, for those of you who might be wondering.) I'm keeping busy and keeping life interesting, but I still have this nagging feeling that something is missing. Or maybe it's more like I'm missing out on something. Either way, I can't seem to figure out what that something is or what is missing.

No, I am not losing my mind. It's just a feeling I get every once in a while, that something is just not right.

Maybe it's small town living. For the past week or so, Jason, Preston and I have gone for walks most nights so Jason can complete his 30-minutes a day thing for Portico, part of his health benefits through the ELCA. We typically walk in the evening/night before sunset when it has cooled off a bit. We walk by the same houses, the central road through town where the businesses are is usually void of life, and lately it has been smokey because of the fires in SW Montana, Western Montana and Idaho. Basically it leaves a lot to be desired creatively and visually. Even when we walk a slightly different route, the view is the same. One night we walked across Highway 89 to the "other" part of town. I'm telling you, we were really living it up that night.

But seriously, it's really not that bad of a small town. I'm just used to having more to do. There are only a few places open past 5pm. What would be awesome is if, the restaurant had a patio, or if one of the bars in town had a patio, so you could sit outside and enjoy the evening, while eating good food and being social. Sitting inside on a nice evening is torture, especially since the weather can change so fast here. One minute it's sunny, the next minute the sky clouds over and it's snowing. Okay, that's overexaggerating a bit, but not far off. Not many people are around in the summer either, not that I blame them. Who'd want to stick around a town that dies between 4:30 and 5pm every day. Most people go camping and fishing as often as they can during the summer. I personally like the fishing part best. The camping part may grow on me someday, but I like my daily showers too much right now.

I think part of my anxiety is money related. Thanks to our do-nothing idealogical jackass legislators in Washington, I've been stuck with a 6.125% interest rate for my federally consolidated student loans. Basically when I/we are done paying them off in 25 years, we could have bought a nice house and put away quite a bit of money for retirement. I can think of a lot of things we could do with the money we'll be using to pay off our student loans. Buying a bigger vehicle so we have room for all of our crap when we go places, put more money in our retirement savings every month, save money for vacations. Those are just a few ideas. But none of that will be happening anytime soon. Thanks jackhole legislators! You really know how screw us little people.

Another thing I've been thinking about doing lately, is self-publishing both of my graduate theses. My MTh thesis is currently residing in a box, unbound. My MA thesis is on my laptop, just taking up space. I put so much work into these two documents and they are just languishing, collecting dust. I feel very strongly about doing something with them, I just don't know what. So, I've been researching how I can possibly self-publish them, so they are no longer taking up space but being used. I have a lot of work to do to polish them up before turning them out to the public and I am worried about someone stealing my intellectual property. I worked my ass off on these theses and I don't want someone taking my ideas and work and claiming it as their own. Needless to say, I'm pretty freaked out about going forward with this whole self-publishing thing. But going through a traditional publisher would be an even bigger pain in the ass, if were even accepted.

Well, I think I've pretty much figured out my anxiety issues: boredom with small town living, money and fear of rejection and having my hard work stolen out from under me. Hmmm....well now that I've figured out what's bothering me, now I need to take steps to figure out what to do next. I think I'll start by praying to God for peace and patience to get through these anxious moments gracefully.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Keeping Life Interesting....

My current job is being a stay-at-home mom to my 12 month old son. I love it. I never thought I would, but I do. Sometimes, though, we get into a rut. So I am trying to get more creative about things to do to keep my kid occupied.

During the week, my husband, in the morning, takes our son with him to his office across the street because there is more room there for Preston to walk around in his walker and play than in the house. During this time, I usually speed walk on our treadmill for a while and then get ready for the day. The guys come home for lunch and then Jason heads back to the office and Preston stays home with me the rest of the day. Some days we just hang out and watch a few of his favorite shows (Super Why and Dinosaur Train are musts on these days) and then have story time and then play with toys, etc... On nicer days, we'll go for a walk outside and sometimes go to the park, which we haven't done enough of this summer.

I suppose at 12 months old, that is enough for him, but I get bored and frustrated with the route sometimes. Until Preston starts walking on his own, I'm not sure what else we can do together, besides what we already do. So, I need to find new things to do for myself, so my life doesn't continue to be the same old thing. I need to get creative and keep life interesting.

So, I have started getting into new hobbies. Well, they are things I've wanted to start doing again for a while, but didn't have the time before. I am crocheting again after many, many years of neglecting that once learned skill. It is going to take me a while to be any good at it, but I am confident that I'll become proficient again someday.

I am making plans to start doing more amateur landscape photography. I have so many great digital photos from our time living in Montana that I'd like to do something with them. I'd have to figure out how to copyright them if I decide to try and sell them, but it could be a fun endeavor to try.

I am also blogging more and writing more in general. I actually have time to write again; about anything I want, whatever comes into my mind. I don't have to write for anyone else, just myself. Hey, who knows?! I could turn into something publishable (?) someday. I just need to work on my spelling and grammar a little more. But again, that too will get better with time. And my favorite activity that I've been able to get back into is letter writing. It's fun for me to do and most people like to get stuff in the mail that is not a bill or junk mail.

These are all things I do to keep myself occupied in the little time I have for myself everyday, when my guys are not here in the morning. It keeps me sane and I'm pretty positive the guys appreciate that.

The thing I'm really excited about that I'm getting involved in for others that will keep life interesting for me, is rejuvenating the Fairfield Lutheran Parish youth group. It will be grades 6-12. A friend of mine and I are going to be the "leaders". The youth are really going to be the leaders, but my friend and I are going to get things started and see where it goes from there. One the list of ideas is to do a youth led worship service during the summer when there are joint services, work at the local Rescue Mission for a day, and some bowling and skiing trips. That's just for starters. There will be Bible study too. It's going to be a lot of work, but the youth deserve and want to have a youth group for themselves so my friend and I are going to do what we can to make it happen.

Keeping life interesting is important to me. Getting stuck in a rut can drive a person crazy. So, here's to keeping life interesting for me and for my family. Wish me luck..... :)

Thursday, June 6, 2013

What Does it Mean to Have it All?

Many times in my life, I have heard the phrase, "You can have it all!"  I have even used the phrase myself.  But what does it mean to "have it all?"  Some people use the phrase in regard to material possessions.  Some use it in conjunction with vocation, their jobs, careers.  It can be used for a variety of things, but I most often hear it now as such:  You can have the perfect job for you and have the perfect home life, the perfect apartment or house, the newest car...blah blah blah.... This is what I used to think "having it all" meant; all of the things I've mentioned above.

My definition of "having it all" has dramatically changed over the past few years.  And the reality is, quite honestly, there is no such thing as "having it all."  A person can drive themselves crazy trying to achieve, "having it all."  My new reality is that, I do "have it all."  I have an amazing husband and wonderful kid.  I have the most amazing family and friends.  I have a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear.  I have time to write on this blog, which I plan to do more of.  I have time to read, when Preston is asleep.  I have time to re-learn how to cross-stitch and crochet.  I can take my son to the park on nice days and go for walks with my family in the evenings. 

No, I don't have a j.o.b. outside the home.  No, we don't have a lot of money right now.  Yes, we have tons of student loans to pay off and we eventually need a bigger vehicle.  But to be honest most of this stuff doesn't really matter right now. 

I love being able to stay home with Preston.  I'm not a housewife though.  If someone needs to label me, I prefer being called a stay-at-home mom.  Jason does most of the meal preparation and he helps me clean when the house needs a deep cleaning before we have company stay with us.  I do, do quite a bit of the straightening up and general cleaning, I do the laundry too.  We don't have the newest technology gadgets or the newest cars.  We have each other and a supportive community surrounding us, in our family, friends and some of the people in and around Fairfield.

I often have people suggest things I can do to help me feel more fulfilled in life, career-wise.  I know they are doing it because they care about me and until recently, I have had a very different understanding of "having it all."  I love that they care so much.  And now, I can honestly tell them, that I am okay and that right now at this point in my life, I have everything I need and want.

Will I someday write a best-selling novel series and memoir and make millions?  Maybe.  Will I continue writing and researching and learning even if no money is made from it?  Of course.  Will I someday find a job outside the home that is worth not staying home with my kid/future kids?  Maybe.  But that is all at a future date.  I can work towards these things, but there is no guarantee some of them will happen.  I am a very future oriented person, but I also live in the present.  It has taken me awhile to adapt to the present, but once I did, I obtained a new perspective on life and what it means for me to "have it all."

I feel blessed that I have had this time so far in Fairfield, because it has forced me to slow down and really determine what is important in my life.  The people in my life are important, having a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear are important.  And all of these things are a gift from God and I thank God every day for them. 

So what does it mean to "have it all?"  It is different for every person, but for me I am happy with what God has given me so far and right now. 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Taking a Big Breath...

My mom recently said something to me that keeps coming to mind whenever I just want to throw my hands up and give up.  She said, "Be patient and gentle with yourself."  It sounds like an easy thing to do, right?  Wrong.

I have a 9 1/2 month old little dude who is basically me in male form.  We have almost the same buttons that when pushed set off a huge chain reaction of chaos, until we both calm down.  If I mention it as a joke to the few people I see on a weekly basis, mostly at church on Sundays, I get looks.  I get looks of, "Why are you laughing about something like that?" or "That's not funny." 

Personally, if I didn't laugh and make a joke about the absolute ridiculousness of it all, I'd be the most depressed person in the world.  I get a little tired of other people passing judgment.  You wouldn't believe the looks I got when people found out we'd be bottle feeding Preston.  Yup, he's been weaned on formula folks.  He's super healthy, very smart, and right where he should be at his age.  That's exactly what the doctor told us yesterday at his well-baby appointment.  The fact is that I ended up getting horrible mastitis (sp?) after Preston was born so even if I wanted to breast-feed, it wasn't really an option.  Frankly, I'd rather keep my sanity than do what society demands of me, especially, since it would mean going crazy trying to do make something happen which physically wasn't going to.

There is a lot of pressure that comes along with being a parent.  Everyone has an opinion about how you should raise your kid(s).  Everyone wants to know when the next one will be coming along.  I do a lot of smiling and nodding.  Sometimes, the advise given is good, sometimes, I just think, "yup, not going to happen," but smile and nod politely anyway. 

Here's my meter of being a good parent:  1) As long as our kid is well fed, dressed and has a roof over his head, we are good parents; 2) As long as our kid knows he's loved and can come to one or both of us with anything, we are good parents.  That's pretty much it.  The rest is up in the air.  If he turns out to be a genius, awesome.  If he's just an average kid, who treats everyone with respect and kindness, awesome.  As long as he doesn't turn into some crazy dude, I think we can chalk the rest up as successful parenting. 

Wow, in my ranting, I got completely off track.  See, this is why I need to learn to just take a breath and be good to myself.  I'm going to go do that right now, by doing my speed walking exercise on the tread-mill.  It helps me blow off steam and makes me concentrate on something else, like keeping up with the tread-mill so I don't fall off the back of it.  Oh, man that would really suck. 

So to all those parents out there, current, soon-to-be, and future:  don't worry about what everyone else tells you about parenting because you'll have to figure it out as you go anyway.  And don't forget to apologize profusely to your parents for being a turd in the past, because what they say is true, it will come back to bite you in the ass someday.  I speak from 9 1/2 months of experience.  :)

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Baby Steps, Part II

In my last post, I vented about not having a job and being financially dependent on Jason.  Since then, I have done some research on student loan reconsolidation, continued my search for part-time jobs in the area, and have been constantly second guessing myself about quitting Mary Kay. 

I have realized that there is not much in my life that I have control over right now, and that is really the root of my anxiety.  The only thing I have any control over is my health, so I have become a little overly zealous about exercising everyday and being very conscious about what I eat.  My health and being a mom have become my full-time cares these days.

I continue to do my daily walking, crunches and stretching.  My weight lifting currently consists of carrying around my very solid 17+ lb son on and off all day.  Seriously, it is a wonder I have any fat on my arms at all with all of the lifting I do every day.  It is a bit frustrating that my goal of being in the mid-130s by this summer is alluding me.  I seem to be stuck at the high 140s.  This is much better than what I had been before I got pregnant with Preston, but to avoid getting diabetes in my 40s I need to get myself down at least 10 more pounds.  I know it is not a race, but to make some progress, would help my state of mind a bit, since I have no idea what is going on with the rest of my life right now.

There are a few wonderful constants in my life though.  My husband and my son being amazing are two of these constants.  My wonderful family and friends, who are my cheerleaders are a most wonderful constant.  Also, knowing that this too shall pass and I won't always feel stuck in the muck of uncertainty.  But most of all, my faith.  My faith keeps me grounded when nothing else seems to do the trick.  It is just remembering these things and not getting caught up in the anxiety of uncertainty that I need to continue to work on.  Baby steps my friends.  Baby steps.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Baby Steps....

Before we moved to Montana in June of 2011, I worked part-time at a law office in downtown Minneapolis and made enough money to pay rent and various other bills with some fun money left over (not very much, maybe enough to go see a movie or two during cheap hours every week.)  When we moved here, I was in the first trimester of my first pregnancy and had planned to find a part-time job until the baby was born and then stay home with the little one for a while before going back to work.  None of that happened.

I couldn't find a job, I had a miscarriage and lost our child and became completely depressed and unmotivated.  After about a month and a half of this, I started to work out on the inexpensive treadmill we purchased from some friends for $50, 5-6 days a week.  I got it in my head that I would start applying for jobs again and began to do so with no luck, but I kept trying.  Then I found out on Thanksgiving day November 2011 that I was pregnant again.  So that made me rethink what to do about getting a job.  I was selling Mary Kay extremely part-time at the time. 

I decided to majorly scale down my job hunt and try to build up my Mary Kay business so I could work from home when our little one was born in August and for the first year of his/her life.  I made the decision to stay at home with our little one the whole first year.  Of course, now we have our little Preston with us and he is such a joy, pain in the butt, our little miracle.  But I continue to struggle with not having a job and what to do about it. 

I am having a hard time being financially dependent on Jason, but any job I get would end up paying for daycare, so in the end it makes more financial sense for me to stay home with Preston for now.  I have been finding myself wondering if it would be a good idea to get back into selling Mary Kay.  It caused quite a bit of stress for me, but every once in a while, I was able to contribute some money to our household. 

Ugh...I am really trying hard to stay positive and let it go and be okay with where I am right now.  I am willing to hear any advice and would appreciate your prayers as I work through this issue.  After being able to fend for myself pretty well and then for Jason and me our first few months of marriage, it is hard for me to sit on the sidelines now.  It has been hard for me since we moved and I couldn't find a job.  I continue to pray for patience and for alleviation from my crazy anxiety regarding financial matters in our home.  We have what we need right now and I truly believe that God provides for each of us in different ways.  I just need to gain enough peace of mind to see that.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Dieting and stuff...

The most popular New Year's resolution for people is to lose weight.  There are all kinds of diets out there today.  I can't watch a tv program without seeing a commercial (thank you DVR for allowing me to fast foward through commercials) for some diet program. 

After my bout with gestational diabetes and the following diagnosis of being prediabetic after my son was born, I have taken steps to lose weight.  I make it a must to do my walking at least 3 times a week, which is a feat in itself with an infant.  I am beginning to write down what I eat again, like I did when I was pregnant and mentally count my carbs.  I don't believe that cutting out all carbs from my diet is a healthy thing to do, but eating the right carbs and making sure they are not the sum whole of what I eat everyday is important. 

When my son was born I was in the low 180s for weight, now I am in the high 140s, but the average weight of someone my height is in the 130s and that is on the high end.  I have some major work to do to get down to my healthy weight.  Personally, I'm feeling pretty good about where I am, but if I want to have another kid at some point in the future and hold off getting Type 2 Diabetes until I'm old and gray, I need to lose the weight and keep it off. 

So I have been tempted to try some of the diets I see on tv commercials, some I've read about in magazine articles and some we have cook books for already.  But the truth is, with writing down what I eat and being accountable and getting as much exercise as I can get in while taking care of an infant 24/7, I am doing something that will change the way I live and create healthy habits for the future. 

But every once in a while a woman's just got to have some chocolate and maybe a piece of pepperoni pizza. :)

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Decluttering my life of stressful and negative stuff...

I'm not the kind of person who makes New Year's resolutions and I'm not breaking with that this year.  Looking over 2012, I realize that I had a lot of unnecessary and stressful things in my life that I just need to let go of this year. 

First, I need to accept the fact that I live in very boring small town where nothing ever happens.  I don't have to like it, but I need to stop being so mad about it.  There is nothing I can do about it right now, so letting go of my anger and resentment about the situation is a goal of mine this year.

Second, stop trying to run a business that is not successful.  I have decided to give up selling Mary Kay.  It is just not worth it right now and adds a lot of unneeded stress in my life.

Third, get excited about all the wonderful things that are going on in my life and stop focusing on the negative (like living in a boring small town where nothing ever happens) and get my head on straight.  I have an adorable son, the most amazing husband, the best family and friends in the world.  I have a nice roof over my head, food to eat and clothes and shoes to wear.  I have so much to be thankful for and I need to remind myself of this everyday.  P.S. Skype is the greatest invention ever!!!!

And lastly, allow myself to do things for me.  I am a wife and mother now, but I need to allow myself to do things that are beneficial not only for myself but my family as well and not feel guilty about it.  This is easier said than done. 

Starting today, I am going to make a great effort to be more positive and get rid of the stressful and negative stuff in my life.