Lately, I have been feeling very anxious. I can't pinpoint the culprit of what is making me so anxious, either, which just compounds the problem. So I'm going to write and see if it helps.
In previous blogs, I've written about some of the things I'm starting to do in the little free time I have each day, for myself, as well as some of the activities I'm going to soon be involved in with the youth group at FLP (Fairfield Lutheran Parish, for those of you who might be wondering.) I'm keeping busy and keeping life interesting, but I still have this nagging feeling that something is missing. Or maybe it's more like I'm missing out on something. Either way, I can't seem to figure out what that something is or what is missing.
No, I am not losing my mind. It's just a feeling I get every once in a while, that something is just not right.
Maybe it's small town living. For the past week or so, Jason, Preston and I have gone for walks most nights so Jason can complete his 30-minutes a day thing for Portico, part of his health benefits through the ELCA. We typically walk in the evening/night before sunset when it has cooled off a bit. We walk by the same houses, the central road through town where the businesses are is usually void of life, and lately it has been smokey because of the fires in SW Montana, Western Montana and Idaho. Basically it leaves a lot to be desired creatively and visually. Even when we walk a slightly different route, the view is the same. One night we walked across Highway 89 to the "other" part of town. I'm telling you, we were really living it up that night.
But seriously, it's really not that bad of a small town. I'm just used to having more to do. There are only a few places open past 5pm. What would be awesome is if, the restaurant had a patio, or if one of the bars in town had a patio, so you could sit outside and enjoy the evening, while eating good food and being social. Sitting inside on a nice evening is torture, especially since the weather can change so fast here. One minute it's sunny, the next minute the sky clouds over and it's snowing. Okay, that's overexaggerating a bit, but not far off. Not many people are around in the summer either, not that I blame them. Who'd want to stick around a town that dies between 4:30 and 5pm every day. Most people go camping and fishing as often as they can during the summer. I personally like the fishing part best. The camping part may grow on me someday, but I like my daily showers too much right now.
I think part of my anxiety is money related. Thanks to our do-nothing idealogical jackass legislators in Washington, I've been stuck with a 6.125% interest rate for my federally consolidated student loans. Basically when I/we are done paying them off in 25 years, we could have bought a nice house and put away quite a bit of money for retirement. I can think of a lot of things we could do with the money we'll be using to pay off our student loans. Buying a bigger vehicle so we have room for all of our crap when we go places, put more money in our retirement savings every month, save money for vacations. Those are just a few ideas. But none of that will be happening anytime soon. Thanks jackhole legislators! You really know how screw us little people.
Another thing I've been thinking about doing lately, is self-publishing both of my graduate theses. My MTh thesis is currently residing in a box, unbound. My MA thesis is on my laptop, just taking up space. I put so much work into these two documents and they are just languishing, collecting dust. I feel very strongly about doing something with them, I just don't know what. So, I've been researching how I can possibly self-publish them, so they are no longer taking up space but being used. I have a lot of work to do to polish them up before turning them out to the public and I am worried about someone stealing my intellectual property. I worked my ass off on these theses and I don't want someone taking my ideas and work and claiming it as their own. Needless to say, I'm pretty freaked out about going forward with this whole self-publishing thing. But going through a traditional publisher would be an even bigger pain in the ass, if were even accepted.
Well, I think I've pretty much figured out my anxiety issues: boredom with small town living, money and fear of rejection and having my hard work stolen out from under me. Hmmm....well now that I've figured out what's bothering me, now I need to take steps to figure out what to do next. I think I'll start by praying to God for peace and patience to get through these anxious moments gracefully.
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