I don't really have much to say. Well I always have something to say, but lately life has been pretty dull. I'm either at one job or the other, some days both, I try and hang out with friends when I have the energy and I am broke. Now, I wouldn't mind working as much as I do if I had something to show for it. But I don't. All the money I make goes towards paying bills, keeping a roof over my head and gas to get to where I need to go.
I do have to say one thing though, I am looking forward to the day where I can take the light rail from St. Louis Park into downtown Minneapolis. Right now I drive over to the Lake Street stop because there is a park and ride there and take the light rail into downtown. I save a lot of money that way.
I've been spending most of my nights in lately, watching TV, putzing on the internet, and reading. It is hard to want to go out and spend time with people when I have no money, no energy, and over-all dislike where I am in my life right now. I am no longer transitioning, I am fully immersed in the "real" world and I hate it. It's boring, overrated, full of people just like me, trying to get by in day to day life without going nuts.
Suffocation is the word I will use to describe my new life. I feel like I'm stuck. Like I'm hitting my head up against a wall continuously as though it will change something. I need to get out, away from this mundane existence before I truly go insane. Routine is great, but there has got to be something to spice things up a bit at times. Sometimes I wish I could just leave all this behind and start over again somewhere else. Experience new things, meet new people, live... But for the next 10 months I am here in the "real" world, being bored, anxious, and feeling like I am missing out on something (don't know what) that is truly awe-inspiring, maybe even life changing.
For now I will try and stop hitting my head against the wall and do what everyone else in the "real" world does, try and make it through day after day.
2 comments:
It sounds like you are living without a purpose. It's really hard to help people in this situation. Pastorally, this situation comes up frequently, and I can't cope with it well.
In theory we suppose to be the embodiment of the self sacrificing love of Christ on the cross. That means we not only have to bring love of Christ and joy to others but to sacrfice ourselves for others as well. We have joy as others have joy. When others felt pain we share their pain. We suppose to do this in our daily lives. Jesus himself has said that discipleship is costly.
After I graduated from college, I lived the most unhappy 5 years of my life. Now that I look back, I think I have learned a lot during my suffering and became a better person in many ways. I think suffering is the way of life but we grow and learn from it. A life without any challenge leads to stagnation.
But there shouldn't be suffering the whole time as we suppose to bring people the moments of grace, even if it is a small thing. Sometimes a small thing can make a person's day.
Wish life held more excitement for you. Out here what I've been learning is that you have to create the excitement. People don't deliver it to you b/c they don't care enough, don't think about it, don't see you, or just have enough in their own lives to deal with. Not very encouraging I know. There are essentially no people my age in this community. So the suggestions that have been given to me are: Have you thought about starting a group of 20-30 somethings?, Hiding won't get you out to meet people., or Have you thought about taking a class in something just to get out there?
Sometimes I think God's grace makes me lazy. I'm supposed to get used to receiving, but then I'm called to go do a bunch of stuff?? Sometimes I think that if I just knew the right questions to ask, then I could get more helpful answers.
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