These Days...

These days my mood changes so much. Sometimes I am relaxed and content like right now and other times I can get pissed off at the slightest thing, like the other day with the mail. It is frustrating to be this way. I know why it is happening and am taking steps to relieve myself of this situation.

It is happening because of the hurricane of change that has been going on in my life. I graduated from Seminary, no longer a student, don't seem to have any prospects for employment, have to continually harass the temp agency I am employed with about work and get no results, have no idea how I am going to pay my bills, and last but not least, will probably have to ask my parents for help financially which really takes an emotional toll. I don't have a problem asking my parents for anything else, only money.

Which brings me to another thought, why? Why am I so afraid of asking my parents for help when I need it? Is it because I feel like a total and complete failure that I haven't been able to find a job? Is it because I am 25 and feel like I should be able to take care of myself without getting help from my parents? I think it is all these things and more. Why when it comes to money are people so afraid to ask for help? Why is it even a big deal?

I think I am afraid to ask because I do feel like a failure. I have failed at being an adult in the "real world". The only place I feel like am not a failure is when I am in a class room either teaching other people what I know or learning what other people know. I love sitting in the library doing research, listening to my "Best of the Who" CD cranked up and having all my books and stuff scattered all around me. That is when I feel most alive, even though it is stressful and strenuous at times. I want to teach people about the history of the church. It is the only thing that is keeping me going, knowing that within the next year I will be back in school working towards my PhD (don't know where yet, but I'm looking at three places and am taking the GRE again this Thursday so wish me luck).

As for the money issue, well I don't know what to say. I guess it is something else I need to work on. Being comfortable asking for help when I need it, whether it is financially, emotionally, or in any other way. I just don't want to let anybody down and I think if I ask for help from my parents I'll be letting them down in some way. I think maybe I think too much.

Today I decided to stay down at my parent's house because in the past I have always been able to figure my shit out and start to see the bigger picture and pull myself out of the gloom that comes with change, and not just any change but those big transition times after something big ends and waiting for something else big to begin. So far it is working.

In the end, there is only so much I can do before I have to give it all up to the big "G" and his son the big "JC". I can feel the Holy Spirit doing what it does best. I know that in the end, of yet another transition period in life, it is the big "T" (for trinity) and faith that will get me though. The big "T" have been there in the good, have been there in the bad, and they will be there for me and all forever.