More Musings about Stuff...

I have had occasion recently to do some musing about stuff.  For a while it was nothing in particular, but recently I have starting thinking about regret, suffering, life; all the things that lead me to the dark places in my mind.  It's pretty morbid stuff to think about but there are certain times during the year where my thoughts lead me in that direction and there is not much I can do about it. 

I can tell you this much though, there are just some hurts that never heal.  After three years, I still feel the microscopic gap in my heart and soul ache on September 16th.  Though the gap has shrunk in size, it will always be there. 

When you've stared into someone's eyes and see the devil staring back at you, it is something you never get over.  To see and exprience evil in such a way stays with you forever.  You slowly lose confidence in humanity and become bitter and cynical.  Luckily, God has a way of putting amazingly compassionate people in my life to easy the burden of having had such experiences.  My mom for one; there is no possible way I would have made it through everything I've been through without her to watch over me, and my brother for another; he has been my motivation.  For a long time it was just us.  Then God in his infinite wisdom granted me an answer to my only prayer, he gave me the most wonderful dad in the world and an older sister and aunts and uncles, cousins, an adorable nephew and niece.  And two weeks ago, he expanded my family to include wonderful in-laws.  He put in my life the most wonderful man, my now husband Jason Pollington, whom I just adore and am having a blast being married to him.

But family is not always defined by blood and marriage.  I have many many family members that most people would call close friends, but I like family instead.  When you've gone through hell and back again with someone, they no longer are friends, they are family.  These people help you stand on your own two feet when you can't muster up the energy to move and visa versa.  It is a lovely relationship that I treasure always. 

And so it goes, one day after the next, hoping that the bottom won't drop out from under you, but knowing that if it does, you have people in your life, Thanks be to God, that will help you through it if you allow them to.  That's the part I'm working on, letting people help me when I am suffering or hurt; letting go of the idea that I am being a burden on them and letting them help.  Knowing myself, it will be a life long process, something to work on always and placing my faith in God and my people.