Regrouping yet again...

I have been through some pretty craptacular stuff in my life, but last Monday around 4pm was one of the worst days of my life.  Jason and I went to my regular monthly baby check up only to find out that our baby had died, probably sometime during week 11.  At the time of the check up it was almost week 14.  I was then told I would have to have a formal ultrasound the following day to make certain that my doctor was right.  It was a rough night of making many phone calls to family and close friends.  Earlier on Monday, Jason and I finally decided to make an announcement on facebook about our pregnancy because we were both very excited and happy.  Now we had to figure out how to make the announcement that we lost the baby. 

It was a long week of going back and forth to Great Falls which is 35 minutes away from Fairfield.  Finally after finding out on Monday that I was carrying our dead baby around inside of me for possibly almost 3 weeks, on Friday early morning I had a D&C.  What's a few more days of anguish and sadness.  After the procedure, I was given some powerful pain medication that made me extremely loopy and gave me insomnia that first night.  I felt no physical pain and no pain in general because I barely knew what was going on around me. 

I forgot to mention, on Monday morning my parent's left to head back to Minnesota after spending a week and a half with us and celebrating Jason's ordination.  After we called them Monday evening, they turned around about 100 miles outside of Bismarck and came back and stayed with us until Saturday morning after my procedure.  Jason's mom also came down and stayed with us until Saturday morning.  It was a God send to have them here with us that whole miserable week. 

Saturday was another rough day, but with the meds I was able to just relax and I spent the whole day reading and sleeping.  Sunday, I skipped church.  I just wasn't ready to face anyone and to talk about what happened.  The two congregations have been amazingly supportive and I am confident that I will be ready to attend church this Sunday.  Sunday we also decided to venture out of the house and go into Great Falls.  We went and saw Harry Potter 7, Part 2 and it was great.  Unfortunately the 2-D version was sold out by the time we got there so we ended up seeing the 3-D one.  Note to self, go see the movie again in 2-D, the 3-D was too dark and I feel like I missed somethings because of it.  Oh darn, having to go see HP7, P2 again, what a shame. ;P

Monday was another stay at home day for me, but in the afternoon in 90 degree heat we went for a walk around town and stopped at one of the local restaurants and had ice cream then walked back.  We started watching LOST from the beginning and are going to slowly make our way through the whole seriese.  Jason stopped watching it for awhile so he has some seasons to catch up on. :)

Yesterday we went up to Choteau, the county seat to get our new MT licenses.  We got there a little after 9:30 and didn't leave until around 2:30.  Their system is antiquated and bullshit.  After waiting forever to get through the line, we got a tour from the Lutheran Pastor in Choteau of the nursing homes there and I joined the library up there, which is something I've wanted to do for awhile. 

Today is another relaxing day.  I am going to go for my daily walking to the high school and find out what I need to do to get my name on the substitute list for this school year and then head over to the local coffee/nail boutique/liquor store to drop off some Mary Kay business cards if there is room for them.  The women who own the local coffee/nail boutique/liquor store belong to one of the churches that Jason is now Pastor of.  They are some really neat ladies!  While I am there I am going to set up an appointment to get a mani/pedi.  After the shit week I had last week, I think I deserve it!

And so now it is time to regroup and begin again.  After my appointment on August 3rd Jason and I will have a better idea of where I am at healing wise physically.  Mentally and emotionally it will be a while before we heal from this tragedy.  But we are also not deterred and when we are ready we will try again to get pregnant and hopefully when it happens again, it will end with a lovely healthy living baby.

I have been through some bad times in my life and this is one of the worst, but because I have been through bad times before, I know that a lot of prayer, a lot of support from family and friends and others, and a lot of time, will eventually make life calm down to the point of being livable again.  For God is always with us in joy and in sorrow and I have faith in that promise, even when it is hard to fathom it.